TalentSmart Articles

I've followed TalentSmart since I first read The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book back in 2005. Their work has been instrumental in developing my understanding of emotional intelligence as well as the impact it can have on a person. They keep an up-to-date list of their published "newsletter articles" on their website, and many of them are well worth perusing if you have a moment.

The Deception of Positive Thinking, Part V

This is the fifth and final post in the series titled “The Deception of Positive Thinking.” If you have not read the first, second, third, or fourth posts, I encourage you to do so before continuing. In the fourth post we discussed a correct way to cognitively respond to negative or undesirable circumstances. All that remains is to emphasize the importance of taking action.

There is a fable which tells of two birds sitting on a fence post, when before long, one bird decides to fly away. The question is then asked, how many birds remain sitting on the fence post? The answer: two. This simple story illustrates a distinction that can be made between decision and action: It is one thing to decide to do something, it is another to actually do it. Action is the ultimate defining factor in creating positive results. Decisions without action are dead. The woman from our story may conclude that, in order to solve the problem, either the relationship must change or she should leave. It will not help that she has become aware of her situation, or even dug deep to find a probable solution to remedy it, if she, in the end, does not act. If she fails to act on her convictions, nothing will happen, the situation will continue and she will remain unhappy. Positive results can only be created through action. Without action, without movement—nothing moves—and therefore nothing changes.

It must also be stated that with all forms of action come potential failures. We may not solve our problems completely in our first attempt. It may take time, it may take persistence. There are learning curves that correspond to all forms of action, especially when we first begin something. Failure is only failure if accepted as such. The reality is that all problems and difficulties can be solved in one way or another. With action, persistence, and the willingness to learn, anything is possible.

In review:

An analysis of “The Deception of Positive Thinking” can be found here and here.

The steps needed to guard against or overcome “The Deception of Positive Thinking” may be summarized as follows:

Step 1: Awareness (see the third post).

Become aware of your circumstances.

Step 2: Response (see the fourth post).

Respond to undesirable circumstances by asking questions and looking for answers.

Step 3: Action (stated above).

Support the answers to your questions with sufficient action.

The Deception of Positive Thinking, Part IV

This is the fourth post in the series titled “The Deception of Positive Thinking.” If you have not read the first, second, or third posts, I encourage you to do so before continuing. In the previous post we discussed how we can increase our overall self-awareness, so as to begin working to minimize self-deception. At present, we will concern ourselves with the next step. Namely, how to mentally respond to our increased self-awareness.

The protagonist of our story responds to her reality by shifting focus from her dilemma onto the noble ideal of positive thinking. There is nothing wrong with finding the positive aspects of a given circumstance per se. However, problems may arise when a person is solely focused on seeking the positive aspects of a situation, because they will tend to ignore their ability to better the situation itself. As we have seen, the purpose of positive thinking is to create positive results. This means responding to adversity in ways that create positive outcomes. But responding by solely focusing on the positive aspect of an otherwise horrible situation does nothing but prolong the existence and magnitude of the situation itself. It is with this in mind that we must learn how to properly respond to our awareness of our undesirable situations.

After becoming more aware of our words, whether internal or spoken, we may begin to see evidence of undesirable situations in our lives. At this point, many people turn away from what they see and focus on a “positive aspect” of their situation—they respond to their reality by habitually focusing on something else. As stated above, this type of response only serves to provide a temporary relief at the expense of allowing the problem to continue indefinitely. It is also at this point (when we become aware of an undesirable situation), that we are given the opportunity to respond properly—but how? By asking questions. When you ask questions, your mind will begin working to supply you with answers. It may only take a few minutes or it may take a few weeks, but nonetheless, your mind will provide you with probable solutions.

Return to the words that clued you in on a specific situation. Suppose the woman from our story became aware of herself saying: “I hate my life” or “I'm so unhappy.” What type of question should she ask that will help start her on the path to solving her problem? She should begin by asking herself: “Why?” “Why do I hate my life?” “Why am I so unhappy?” We know her relationship is a large part of her unhappiness. If she is honest with herself, she will eventually conclude, in one way or another, that she hates her life or is unhappy because she doesn't like the way she is being treated. It is at this point she might continue by asking: “What type of situation would I like to exist in place of the one that I hate?” The woman must conclude that she would either prefer to no longer be in a relationship or be in relationship with a man who treats her with respect and dignity. A final question must be asked as well: “What can I do about it?” “How can I solve this problem?” “Is there anything I can do to create the situation I want?” In posing these questions to ourselves, we must always employ the word “I," thereby focusing on what we can do, as opposed to what someone else can or should do. What can we do to create a suitable situation? We don't have control over other people—only ourselves—and if we attempt to solve a problem by trying to change another person, we're destined to fail. In response to the words you hear yourself say or think, ask yourself:

1. Why? Why do I think or feel this way? (Identify what exists.)
2. What situation would I like to exist in place of this one? (Identify what could exist.)
3. What can I do about it? How can I solve this problem? (Identify how you can create the situation you want. Note: There is always something you can do to better a situation.)

In the previous post it was suggested to pay close attention to and consider what other people say about you. How therefore should you respond to the observations made by other people? Again, by asking similar questions:

1. Is it possible that this observation is true? (Identify what exists.)
2. If it is true, what situation would I like to exist in place of this one? (Identify what could exist.)
3. If it is true, what can I do about it? How can I correct it? (Identify how you can create the situation you want.)

Childish Emotions

When I was a young child in elementary school I didn't ride the bus. Rather, my mom would drive me to school in the morning and pick me up after. But she wasn't always on time. And I just happened to be one of those kids, who, if their ride happened to be late, would assume the absolute worst. Thus, I have many memories of myself standing by the entrance of the school, pacing back and forth, keeping a close eye on the street, wondering if my mom had forgot about me, or got in a car accident, or if our house had burned to the ground, or something fantastic like that. Needless to say, I would let my imagination run wild with every possible “what if” scenario—driving myself to the very edges of sanity—only to reemerge on the other side, intensely relieved, when she finally showed up.

As I grew older my emotional reactions shifted a bit. For example, if I happened to be waiting for my mom to pick me up from somewhere, I would often find myself irritated or even angered that she was “making me wait.” No longer would I assume the worst—no longer would I have visions of the end of my life as I knew it—now I was taking it personally. After all, what else did she have to do in life besides drive me around wherever and whenever I wanted?

Looking back I realize that in both situations I blindly reacted to what was happening. I made no conscious decisions, I acted automatically. I allowed my emotions to get the best of me, and I went with them effortlessly. It was an easy road to take. But it didn't help me at all. My “visions of death” from elementary school can be largely attributed to childhood imagination and ignorance, but the irritation and anger displayed when I was older cannot be rationalized so easily.

Sometime during my first year of college, my car broke down, and my mom once again had to drive me to class and pick me up. And once again she was late, and I was left sitting there waiting. I remember thinking to myself, “Is this really worth getting angry over?” “Isn't it possible for me to just sit here and patiently wait?” “What am I really gaining by getting all worked up over this?” I figured I would try it, that is, deliberately not get irritated or upset. To my surprise, it actually worked. I sat there, at peace with the situation, amazed and astounded. It was a defining moment when I learned that my emotional reactions are within my power to control. And that things work out a heck of a lot better when I don't allow myself to get emotionally hijacked.

You may have had a similar experience, or maybe you haven't—yet. If not, try it. You might surprise yourself.

The Deception of Positive Thinking, Part III

This is the third post in “The Deception of Positive Thinking” series. If you have not read the first or second post, I encourage you to do so before continuing. As we have seen, the deception of positive thinking describes the tendency of “positive thinkers” to focus on a positive aspect of a given situation while simultaneously ignoring their ability to correct the situation itself. While it is one thing to read a story or article, it is quite another to incorporate it directly into our lives. We must therefore begin exploring what can be done to conquer the deception of positive thinking, should we suffer from it.

The first thing we must do is increase our awareness of ourselves and our circumstances. The woman from our story is obviously not aware that she is perpetuating the very circumstance that is responsible for her unhappiness. Although her words conveyed unhappiness, she was not completely aware of what she said. Her first step then, insofar as positive thinking is concerned, is to work toward becoming aware of her reality. Here are a few suggestions that may be useful for those seeking to gain a greater level of self-awareness:

Listen To Yourself When You Talk

The words used and the way they are used can give enormous insight into the realities of ones life. Listen for words and tones that may indicate dissatisfaction or unhappiness. What do you hear yourself say out-loud or to other people? Examples include:

• “I hate my life.”
• “It's not worth it.”
• “My boss is a moron.”
• “That's impossible.”
• “What's the point?”

Pay Attention To Your Internal Dialog

Developing the habit of listening to our internal dialog is a vital step in becoming more self-aware. Internal dialog is simply what you say to yourself mentally. If your spoken words are similar to those listed above, chances are your internal dialog will be even less admirable. Most of us are much harder on ourselves mentally. What do you say when you talk to yourself? Examples include:

• “I'm so unhappy.”
• “I hate myself.”
• “I feel so useless.”
• “I'm fat.”
• “I'm unattractive.”

Listen To What Other People Say To You

When one is given advice about something, the natural response is to become defensive. The woman in our story was very defensive if anything was asked regarding her relationship. However, just because an observation comes from another person (instead of you) doesn't mean it's wrong. In fact, listening to the observations and opinions of others can grant huge insight into our lives. How many people have tried to talk to the woman in our story about her relationship? How would her life be different now if she had realized the truth of her situation years ago? Pay attention to what other people say to you (don't just blow it off), it may be worthy of consideration.

An increased awareness of oneself and one's circumstances is the first step toward conquering the deception of positive thinking. We will discuss additional steps in the near future.

Understanding Your Tendencies: Lesson IX

At the end of each lesson in The Catalyst of Confidence there is a short section entitled “Understanding Your Tendencies.” These sections are composed of a series of questions designed to help the reader understand and apply some of the information that was conveyed during the lesson. What follows is my commentary on these questions from Lesson IX: Emotion and Intelligence.

1. Are you angered easily?

Another way to phrase this question would be “Do little things in life tend to hijack you emotionally?” If they do—and they do for many people—it is because you have developed the habit of responding to specific “triggers” by getting emotionally upset. Of course you probably don't think they are “little things” in the first place: those of us who are regular passengers on the emotional roller-coaster think everything is a “big deal.” But when we get down to the bottom of things, very few of them are as big of a deal as we first perceive them to be.

2. Do you throw temper-tantrums, even though you're an adult?

Take a moment to recall a young child throwing a temper-tantrum. Does this help the child in any way? Even if they succeed in getting their way (via a nearby parent or adult), the same behavior carried into adulthood is nothing short of pitiful. Again, people who throw temper-tantrums do so because they have simply developed the habit of doing so. (I am referring here to those who are genuinely upset and not merely trying to get attention.)

3. Do you hate anyone or does anyone hate you?

This question actually deserves a post of its own, which will be forthcoming.

4. How do you normally respond when you are overcome with emotions?

When you feel a strong emotion (anger, despair, sadness, etc.), what is your normal response? Is it beneficial or does it cause problems for you? How can you improve?

5. Have you ever said or done something unintentionally?

We often act without thinking, and in that sense our action may have been unintentional. Many times our emotions make it difficult for us to think clearly about what we are doing, and seemingly determine our actions as a result. If you have ever apologized to someone by saying something like “I don't know what happened—I was just really angry,” you know that emotions can easily override clear thinking. Indeed many people will outright pardon someone's behavior if they know that the person was “angry,” or “upset.” But despite this, we do have the ability to control how we respond to our emotions. Emotional intelligence is a skill, and it can be developed by anyone.

• If you could relive the situation would you respond differently?
  This question refers to Question #5 above. Needless to say, many (if not most) of the things you have done unintentionally you would probably do-over if you could.

6. Do you ever pay attention to your body's physical responses when you are overcome with emotions?

See: Are You Emotional?

7. Do you have a tendency to overreact when things don't go as planned?

A lot of people do this, but that isn't a good reason to be consoled. Pay attention to your emotions when something goes wrong. Pay attention to how you respond to them. Put some effort into analyzing your behavior. How can you improve? Also see: A Quick Observation.

The Deception of Positive Thinking, Part II

This is the second post in “The Deception of Positive Thinking” series. If you have not read the first post, I encourage you to do so before continuing. Picking up where we left off, let us now examine exactly what “positive thinking” is:

A proper understanding of positive thinking is based on the following concepts:

1. What currently exists. i.e., the reality of a given situation.
2. What could exist. i.e., the reality that could or should exist within the context of a given situation.
3. The knowledge that one has the ability to alter or change one's circumstances.

In light of these concepts we are better able understand what it means to think positively: First, we must consciously accept and acknowledge the truth of a given situation or reality. At the same time we must understand what could exist in place of such a situation or reality, especially if it is not what we desire. Lastly, we must realize that our ability to act enables us to potentially change such circumstances from what does exist to what could exist. Hence, positive thinking is the ability to accurately discern the reality of a given situation, irrespective of how “negative” it may be, while simultaneously apprehending what could or should exist in its place, and further still understanding that one has the ability to alter or change such situations for the better.

It is a sad fact that many people are not willing to come to even the most basic understanding of a negative situation before (perhaps subconsciously) seeking to avoid it and shift their focus to something of a more pleasant nature. But positive thinking does not seek to avoid reality, even if it happens to be negative. Rather, it seeks to expose the true nature of reality: that despite negative situations, all individuals, through action, have the ability to alter or change their circumstances. People may not be aware they have this ability, nor believe they possess it. But the fact remains: if there is a part of your life that you are not satisfied with, it is within your ability to change it. Truth will be truth, regardless of any one persons ignorance or refusal to believe.

In common practice, positive thinking is often synonymous with simply focusing on the positive rather than the negative aspects of a given situation. Individuals, however, cannot ignore the reality that they themselves have the ability to change these situations to begin with. The woman from our story is obviously in a rather destitute plight. Yet, rather than choosing to focus on a very few positive aspects of a relatively horrible situation, why not change the situation itself? After all, while the vast majority of “positive thinkers” are running around avoiding the negative and focusing on the positive, they are not necessarily improving their lot in life. If positive thinking is concerned with results, why not work to create the results she wants? Why not work to create the life she desires? Why not take steps to improve her relationship, and if this fails—leave—and search out the love she desires? As far as anyone has shown, we only get one shot at life—why live so miserably? It may seem insurmountable for her to confront him, but is it not a small price to pay, especially after taking into account the probable future years of loneliness and sorrow?

The Deception of Positive Thinking, Part I

“I'm really starting to think positively.” “It's very important that everyone stay focused on the positive.” “People are so negative—I focus on the positive.” We have all heard statements of this nature. In fact, the term “positive thinking” has recently become a staple of popular American culture. But in spite of its popularity, more and more people display a general lack of understanding in regard to what truly defines positive thinking. It seems many people, despite their good intentions, allow positive thinking to act as a kind of enabler in blocking out reality, under the guise they must “focus on the positive.”

Recently I met a woman who is involved in a terrible relationship with a man. She deals with constant verbal abuse, disrespect, criticism and a plethora of little “rules” which she must abide by or suffer the consequences. This woman openly shows, through her words and actions, that she is extremely unhappy and has been for the entire duration of her four year relationship. But the worse her relationship gets, the more she seems to cling to and defend it. When asked why she allows her relationship to continue she quickly replies: “Well, I'm really starting to focus on the positive now. It's very important that I stay focused on the positive.” Any questions asked, which may have the effect of exposing her relationship for what it is, are quickly swatted aside in a torrent of “positive thinking” clichés.

My conversation with this woman illustrates a greatly misconstrued application of positive thinking, which unfortunately, describes many people I've met who espouse their commitment to it. After examining the facts of this story we find that:

1. Due to the circumstances of her relationship, this woman is not happy.
2. Questioning the quality of her relationship causes her to assume a defensive position.
3. Her defensive position indicates her resistance to the reality of her situation.
4. Her commitment to, what she calls positive thinking, allows her to quickly shift her focus from her reality onto more pleasant “positive” things.
5. This constant shift in focus serves to perpetuate the circumstance that ultimately constitutes the primary cause of her unhappiness.

In the context of this story we see that, under the guise that “I must focus on the positive,” positive thinking is being used as a tool to blatantly deny reality. As a result, this woman's situation continues unacknowledged and unaddressed. Positive thinking, as she is using it, may serve as a temporary “band-aid,” but will inevitably, over time, only increase the magnitude of her difficulties. This is no way to live, nor is it a correct application of positive thinking.

Positive thinking is fundamentally concerned with one thing: results. Results are the measuring sticks of truth and likewise the effectiveness of positive thinking must be judged by the results it creates. And what is the result of this application of positive thinking? The preservation of her relationship, exactly as it currently exists, which is the problem to begin with. This is no different than the hypothetical situation of an ostrich burying its head in sand in order to avoid the unpleasantness of an approaching lion. In either case, both are moving toward a more detrimental end.

(Companion posts here, here, here, and here.)

Understanding Your Tendencies: Lesson VIII

At the end of each lesson in The Catalyst of Confidence there is a short section entitled “understanding your tendencies.” These sections are composed of a series of questions designed to help the reader understand and apply some of the information that was conveyed during the lesson. What follows is my commentary on these questions from Lesson VIII: Self-Deception and Learning.

1. How often do you reflect on your life (decisions, thoughts, actions, habits, beliefs, etc.)?

Thinking about your life is one of the best things (if not the best thing) you can do to improve yourself. By developing an awareness of your thoughts, decisions, actions, habits, and the causal relationships they involve, you provide yourself with a better understanding of right action. You can course correct. You can learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others. You can make better decisions in the future. But you must have the willingness to soberly look yourself in mirror and face your faults and failings.

2. Are you ever 100% certain that you are right and someone else is wrong?

Some things are certain. 2 + 2 = 4, for instance, is something that few people should dispute, provided they understand elementary mathematics. Many things, however, are not certain. They might be probable or likely, but not absolutely certain. The problem with being certain that you're right isn't that you can't know whether or not you're right. The problem is that you will soon begin assuming that you're right and the other person is wrong. The danger in assuming is that you stop thinking critically, opting to simply believe that your view is the correct one. Put differently, assuming we're right creates blind spots in our thinking, ultimately putting us in danger of deceiving ourselves.

3. Do you doubt your own abilities?

It's surprising how often we doubt ourselves when we have no good reason to. Was that low test score really evidence of your lack of ability? Are you so sure that it's not worth your time to go on that interview? Most people overestimate the abilities of other people while underestimating their own. Take a chance. You just might surprise yourself.

4. Are you honest with yourself?

Some people struggle a great deal with being honest with themselves. Fearing that, by honestly evaluating their life, they might find something they cannot bear. But if you wish to better yourself and your life, you must face the truth. If you don't, you merely prevent potential progress and keep yourself locked in check. If you do, even if it can be seemingly unbearable, you provide yourself with the opportunity to learn and grow.

5. Do you ever make excuses to yourself?

“There wasn't anything else I could have done!” “I wouldn't have done X if so-and-so didn't do Y!” The habit of making excuses is riddled with danger. When you start creating alibis to excuse your behavior, it can be very easy to lose sight of the things that you are responsible for. It's very easy to fall into the trap of avoiding responsibility, even when you're the one who is responsible. Regardless of the circumstances, you can convince yourself it's not your fault, and believe it to the core. But doing so will profit you nothing, unless you wish to be the perpetual victim of chance and happenstance.

6. Do you make decisions based on immediate or long-term desires?

Poor decisions are often solely based on immediate desires. Good decisions generally take into account long-term desires. You may think it will make you happy to eat cake at every meal. But it won't take very long for such consumptive habits to catch up with you. You may think that procrastinating is fine, right up until you regret your procrastination. Think about your actions and their consequences. And think about their long-term ramifications.

7. Have you ever thought you were better than someone else?

I'm not asking whether you have thought you were better than another person at something specific, like tennis or golf. I'm asking if you have ever thought you were better than someone else—period. If so, you're deceiving yourself. When you think you're better than another person, you tend to assume you're right and they're wrong. You inadvertently turn off your ability to think. You act and reason on the basis of assumption rather than fact. See also #2.

8. Do you ever try to run away from your problems?

If you do, you're deceiving yourself (surprise!). You're like the hypothetical ostrich that buries its head in the sand when it sees something it fears. Does ignoring your problems really make them disappear altogether? Or does it simply delay the inevitable? And though you try to force your problems from your conscious mind, are they not always with you? Quietly waiting, in the shadows of your mind? Would it not be better to begin addressing them? You are only cheating yourself by pretending they don't exist.

The Power of Ideas and Human Action

Anything that has been brought into existence by human ingenuity can be traced back in time to two things: 1) an idea, and 2) a person or persons. The immaterial reality of ideas precedes the material reality of created things. A house exists in the mind of an architect before it exists as a physical structure. A business can be traced to the ideas and inspirations of its founders. It is the ideas which we harbor in our minds and subsequently act upon that shape our futures. What ideas are you harboring?

More Thoughts On The Fear of Failure

As a quick follow up to the previous post, I would like to make some further comments on the question: Are you afraid to fail?

Fear, as we know from Lesson VI, is a state of mind which ultimately results in inaction. The fear of failure is no exception. When we are afraid to fail, we will often respond by avoiding activities that may result in failure. It seems to me, however, that the implications of such behavior would likely, in the end, be far worse than failing (or the risk of failing) would have been.

When we are afraid to fail, we will (unless we choose to act despite being afraid) only involve ourselves in activities which we believe to be nonthreatening, that is, activities in which we expect to succeed. But such activities will mostly consist of things we have already done and already succeeded in doing. Thus, if we indulge and encourage our fear of failure, we are essentially jeopardizing our ability to do things which we have not yet done. Why? Because such things would surely involve the possibility of failure. The implications of this should be obvious: a person will avoid nearly all risk taking, thereby undermining their ability to accomplish their goals and dreams (assuming they have goals and dreams).

Ask: How did I ever do anything for the very first time? Did I risk the possibility of failure? You did. And you can do it again. Besides, even if you fail, at least you have something to work with and build upon: you can identify causes of failure, try again, and persist your way to success. On the other hand, the person who, out of fear of failure, fails to act, has nothing to work with, nor can they accomplish anything. The life which has already done everything it is going to do has already been lived. Is it really worth being afraid?

Understanding Your Tendencies: Lesson VII

At the end of each lesson in The Catalyst of Confidence there is a short section entitled “understanding your tendencies.” These sections are composed of a series of questions designed to help the reader understand and apply some of the information that was conveyed during the lesson. What follows is my commentary on these questions from Lesson VII: Failure and Adversity.

1. Are you afraid to fail?

As described in the lesson, most of us are afraid to fail. This is often because we have learned to view failure as an indictment on who we are: When we fail, we see it as definitive proof that we're no good at something, or perhaps no good in general. But when we realize that failure is a natural learning process; that it is something we must tolerate as we advance from #1 to #4 in The Four Stages of Learning (which applies to everything we actively do), we should realize that evaluating ourselves on the basis of failure is absurd. Also, see Question #6 below.

2. Have you ever believed that some people were always good at what they do?

When we see a person who is exceptionally good at something, it's easy to assume that they've always been good at it. Such people are often described as being “gifted” or “talented.” And, unfortunately, that's how most people view them. But while it may be true that a person can possess a certain amount of natural ability or talent, it is wrong to assume that they are as good as they are solely because of talent. To be sure, raw talent can only take a person so far, beyond which, other factors come into play. The very best of the best, in whichever field, are as good as they are, not necessarily because of talent, but because they wanted to be the best, and were willing to learn how to do it. The person who has a burning desire and the willingness to learn will, almost always, outperform the person who possess great natural talent, but has a weak desire/willingness to learn. Stephen King's quote from Lesson X seems appropriate: “Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work and study.” It's also worth remembering that, at one time, the best of the best were in a position where they had never done what they are now known for doing. Further reading: See Process and Product in Lesson VII.

3. How do you respond when you fail?

When things don't go as you expect (assuming, of course, you aren't expecting to fail), how do you react? Do you analyze, adjust, and try again? Or do you throw a fit and whine like a young child? There are really only two responses to failure: persist or give up.

4. Do you let other people's opinions determine what you attempt to do?

It's easy to measure your life against standards imposed on you by other people. Consider a child who has no desire to play (say) baseball, but who plays nonetheless, because his father wants him to. When we're young, we don't have much say in such situations. But when we grow up we do. Yet many adults continue to make important decisions, not on the basis of their own values, but on the basis of the values of others. Consider the attorney who went to law school because that's what her parents wanted, rather than what she wanted. In addition, “other people” have a tendency to always point out what “can't be done.” It is, in many ways, a tragedy that so many dreams are snuffed out by the arrogant and often baseless criticisms made by one's contemporaries.

5. Can you think of something good that came about as a result of something you initially thought was bad?

This question fits closely with Napoleon Hill's famous saying: “Every adversity, every failure and every heartache carries with it the Seed of an equivalent or greater Benefit.” The key to doing this is looking for the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit. No experience is worthless, unless you let it pass without learning something from it.

6. Do you associate your self-worth with your failures or mistakes?

See Failure and the Evaluation of Self.

Childhood Beliefs

In his book What To Say When You Talk To Yourself, behavioral researcher Shad Helmstetter recalls an experience from childhood:

I still remember the time when, as a grade school student, I wanted more than anything I could think of to play a musical instrument and be a member of the school band. Along with ten or twelve other students from my school class, I decided to try out for the band. After being handed a completely alien musical instrument and trying to get it to make music in front of the band instructor, my class teacher, and the other students, I was dismissed.

I knew that I had not done well. But it was an hour later, after the last student of the day had performed, that I overheard the band director telling my class teacher that not only could I not play in the band, but I had no musical ability and would never be able to play a musical instrument! What incredible programming for a twelve-year-old boy who had his heart set on learning how to play!

It worked. I heard, from someone else, that I had no musical ability and I believed it. I accepted as fact that I had no musical talent and that I never would. It wasn't until years later that I finally got up enough courage to rent a piano, learn some notes, and play it secretly when no one was around to remind me that I could not play. I never did develop the skill I wanted. But I learned, after some twenty frustrating years, that our school band director was wrong. And I had believed him.

As children, we often come to believe many things we are told by adults. But how much of what we were told, particularly about ourselves and our abilities, is true? Could it be that many of the things we have come to take for granted about ourselves—things we may have allowed to define or even limit us—are, in fact, false?

Why Bother With Emotional Intelligence?

Building on the foundation provided by the previous post, I would like to consider some implications which follow from developing strong communicative connections between the feeling and thinking parts of the brain. I concluded the previous post by stating that “a person may continue developing emotional intelligence until they are almost rationally unaffected by the presence of emotion in their life.” But why exactly should a person do this? How could such a thing benefit them? What impact would it have on their life?

If you have ever made an “emotional decision” or “gone off half cocked,” as the saying goes, and moreover have reflected on such things, you know that acting on the basis of pure emotion is rarely a good idea. Indeed, hindsight often reveals such emotional impulses to be, in the very least, less than beneficial. Assuming, of course, we did in fact act on them. Ask yourself: “Have I ever made an emotional decision and came to regret it?” Most of us, if we are honest, will admit to ourselves that we have. And that decision-making on the basis of pure emotion can be, and often is, hazardous and problematic, and can potentially have implications that reach far into the future and influence our lives for years to come.

The reason we should develop emotional intelligence and thereby strengthen the communicative paths between the feeling and thinking parts of our brain, is so we can minimize our emotion-based decisions and thereby minimize our “emogenic” problems. (The word “emogenic,” by the way, isn't a proper word. I coined it to better describe problems which originate from emotion-based-decision-making.) If we are able to think rationally about things while we experience strong emotions, we are far less likely to act on the basis of sheer emotional impulse. And if we are less likely to act on sheer emotional impulse, we place ourselves in a position to make better decisions and thus reap better results. In short, we should develop emotional intelligence because it will help us make better decisions and thereby live a better life.

The Physiology Behind Our Emotions

I highly recommend the work of Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves, and their respective research teams at TalentSmart®. Their books, The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book and Emotional Intelligence 2.0, continue to be sources of great and beneficial information for me.

Consider the following scanned-image-excerpt from Emotional Intelligence 2.0:

This image shows us the physical pathway of information in our brains. Information initially begins in our senses and enters our brain through our spinal cord, it then passes through the limbic system (where we feel emotion), before finally entering the prefrontal cortex (where we think rationally). What this means is that most of us tend to feel before we think. This also explains why we feel compelled to do certain things when we experience strong emotions. When this occurs, the feeling part of our brain often “overpowers” the thinking part and renders the latter almost useless until our emotions have subsided.

Emotional intelligence depends on the level of “communication” that exists between the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex, that is to say, it depends on the level of communication between the feeling and thinking parts of our brain. If we have developed strong communication between the feeling and thinking parts of our brain, we tend to be more able to think rationally about things while we are experiencing strong emotions. On the other hand, if little communication exists between the feeling and thinking parts of our brain, we tend to be unable to think rationally until the emotions are gone. Many people make resolutions when they are able to think rationally, but cannot seem to keep them when they experience strong emotions. Again, this results from a lack of communication between the feeling and thinking parts of the brain.

When a person seeks to develop emotional intelligence via self-awareness and self-management (as discussed in Lesson IX: Emotion and Intelligence in The Catalyst of Confidence), their brain begins opening up communicative neural-pathways between the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex. Put differently, when a person thinks about how they are feeling and how they are acting in response to that feeling, they start to open up communication between the feeling and thinking parts of their brain. The more they do this, the more neural-pathways develop, and the stronger the communication between the two respective parts of the brain becomes. Thus, over time, a person may continue developing emotional intelligence until they are almost rationally unaffected by the presence of emotion in their life.

Fear and Illness

In the previous post, I made the following remarks in response to the question: “Have you ever become mysteriously ill just before you had to do something you were afraid to do?”

Illness is actually a common symptom of fear, particularly among those who tend to really get themselves worked up over things. The mind definitely seems to have an affect on the body. But how does such a reaction come to be? Is there anything we can do to combat such a thing, should we suffer from it? It seems to me that this symptom could result from 1) the habit of avoiding fears, or 2) an extreme state of fear. If in the past, for instance, a given person has done, literally whatever they can do to get out of doing what they are afraid to do (or if they are terrified to do something), then, if no other option is available to help them avoid/alleviate their fear, their body could resort to illness. Now, this isn't to say that a person just “decides” to “get sick” when they realize there is no other alternative to avoiding their fear, though that is definitely a possibility. Rather, a person could unconsciously develop the symptoms of an illness in order to avoid a given fear. So what can we do about it?

To continue, consider the following.

When a person has developed the habit of facing their fears (acting in spite of their fear), the problem of becoming ill as a last resort can never arise (assuming their fear is not extreme). Such a person does not seek to avoid their fear at all. Rather, they seek to act, even though they may be afraid. On the other hand, the act of becoming ill in response to a fear is itself a mechanism of avoidance. It is a way of temporarily “getting out of it.” But, as mentioned above, if a person does not allow their fears to master them, if they act, despite being afraid, the problem of illness cannot arise. It's only when a person is looking for a way out that illness becomes an option. It seems then, that the symptom of becoming ill in response to fear, can only develop if we have first developed the habit of avoiding fears. But if we find we have developed such a habit, what can we do to change it?

Habits, as discussed in The Catalyst of Confidence, develop from repetitious actions. If we repeatedly seek to avoid our fears, we will develop the habit of doing so. Conversely, if we repeatedly act, despite being afraid, we will likewise develop such a habit. It should then be clear that a person, should they become ill in response to certain fears, must begin developing the habit of facing their fears. The best way to do this would be to start overcoming small fears and slowly work up to the larger ones. It may also prove helpful to review Lesson V: Action and Habit, and Lesson VI: Fear and Action.

Lastly, as mentioned above, illness could also result from an extreme state of fear. However, there seems to be little reason to consider such a thing. It seems to me that an extreme state of fear can result in one of two ways: Either 1) a person has avoided a relatively harmless fear to such an extent that they have “built it up” to be an extreme fear in their mind, or 2) a person is confronted by something that actually warrants an extreme state of fear (such as being hunted by a psychopath). The former is a result of developing the habit of avoiding fears (which was addressed above), while the latter is something that we really have no practical way of overcoming (unless, of course, we are regularly hunted by psychopaths and are thus able to become accustomed to such situations).

Clarifying Expectations

In the recent post, Start Where You Stand, I stated the following:

I tend to subscribe to the notion that, when I attempt something new, it's not possible to be “ready” or “fully prepared.” It's been my experience that I'm much better off “jumping in” and getting my “feet wet.” Should I expect my initial performance to be flawless, however, I will likely disappoint myself.

At first glance, this may appear to be flat wrong. How is it that we can't be “ready” for something? After all, have we not prepared, and been “ready” for things in the past? And why shouldn't we expect the best from ourselves? Doesn't the expectation of mediocrity contribute to mediocre results?

While these objections are not necessarily incorrect, they do miss the point of what was said. When I say that it isn't possible to be ready or fully prepared; or that expecting one's performance to be flawless will likely result in disappointment, I do not mean that one can never be ready or fully prepared, or that one should never expect the best from oneself—full stop. What I mean, rather, is that one cannot be ready or fully prepared—nor should one expect a stellar performance—the very first time they attempt to do something. Of course a person can be ready or fully prepared to do something if they have done it before. It is the very fact they have done it that enables them to understand what preparations are necessary, and it is at such times when a person ought to expect the best from themselves.

The reason I maintain that a person should never expect to be “fully prepared” when they first attempt something new, is because such expectations often jeopardize their ability to begin. In other words, they end up postponing action, because they don't feel that they are yet “fully prepared.” But, how can a person actually be “fully prepared” for something if they have yet to actually do it? How can they even know what they are prepared for, if they haven't done it yet? Hence, it is not necessary to be “fully prepared” in order to begin, it is better to just “jump in.” On the other hand, if a person does act, but acts with the expectation that they are “fully prepared” or that their performance will be stellar—and especially if they are emotionally committed to that expectation—they will very often find themselves emotionally hijacked if things don't go as planned. Whereas the person who is not caught off guard by an initial lackluster performance is able to maintain composure and can therefore more effectively work to improve. (It should also be noted that an expectation of mediocrity is entirely different from a lack of expectation of perfection.)

In short, we can only truly be prepared to do something if we have done it before, and we should only expect the best when we are qualified to expect it.

Haircuts and Change

“You look like a hippie,” my wife said.

Now, my wife, who no doubt sees herself as a kind of guardian angel when it comes to my personal appearance, was simply trying to let her poor husband (me) know that he needed to get a haircut. But before anyone starts to think that I may have actually looked like a hippie, allow me to mention that my hair might have been two inches long on top. Still, this week I somehow managed to find myself paying a visit to my local barber.

Now, my barber, who has been a barber for about 30 years and who I happen to be on good terms with, is in the process of moving his business. This week he informed me that as of May 1^st, he will be barbering from a new location, about five miles from his current shop, and will be reducing his workload to part-time. Naturally I was curious about whether or not openings were available in his clientele. “Of course,” he said. He then proceeded to explain a bit about how the barber business works.

He told me that when a barber moves his business, even if he moves it “next door,” he immediately loses about a third of his clientele. He can expect to retain a third as loyal customers. And this leaves him with a remaining third to account for. He told me that the last third of clients is made up of people who are curious about “what is going to happen.” “Gawkers,” as he put it. They might show up at his new location for a haircut or a shave, but only to “check up” on the proprietor, probing around to see if he's going to “make it.” After they have satisfied themselves, they either stay on as customers, or mysteriously disappear. When the “gawking-process” is over, about half of them remain. All in all, if and when a barber moves his business, he can safely expect to lose about half of his clients.

But why? Isn't this little scenario somewhat odd? After all, it's the same barber. It's the same equipment. It's the same service. Yes, the location is different, but unless the barber has moved an unreasonable driving distance, why is it almost guaranteed that he will lose half of his client base? One word: change. People don't like change. Change is something that we tend to fear. Some of us manage it without much difficultly. While others are terrified of it and will do almost anything to avoid it. The prospect of change requires us to face a fear of the unknown. It requires that we step out of our comfort zone, which is an action we human beings are not especially fond of.

But this outlook, though widespread, is deeply irrational. Go ask someone whether or not their life is perfect. If they are honest, and unless they happen to be insane, they will surely reply that it is not. Most everyone will admit there are areas in their life that they would like to improve. But improvement itself presupposes change. Change is a necessary component of progress. Without change, we cannot improve ourselves or our circumstances. Yet, most of us are terrified of it. Is it possible that our fear of change is working against us? Is it possible that such fears are preventing us from bettering ourselves or our circumstances?

Fortunately for my wife, I will continue as a client after my barber moves.

Companion reading: Lesson VI: Fear and Action.

Understanding Your Tendencies: Lesson IV

At the end of each lesson in The Catalyst of Confidence there is a short section entitled “understanding your tendencies.” These sections are composed of a series of questions designed to help the reader understand and apply some of the information that was conveyed during the lesson. What follows is my commentary on these questions from Lesson IV: Thought and Concentration.

1. Who are you today compared to the person you would like to be tomorrow?

If “who we are” today has developed as a result of the dominating thoughts we have previously held in our minds, then it follows that the person we will become will also result from the dominating thoughts we hold in our minds. Thus, if you desire to change, if you desire to be a better person in the future—in whatever respect—you must change the information you associate with and concentrate upon. At least to the extent you wish to change or better yourself. If you continue associating with and concentrating upon the same information, don't be surprised when you don't change.

2. What do you concentrate on?

If those around you were granted the ability to “look into” your thoughts in the middle any given day, what would they be most likely to find? What things do you think about on a regular basis? What are your dominating thoughts? And perhaps more importantly, are they positive or negative? What consequences might these thoughts have on your actions and behavior?

3. What are you thankful for?

If your answer to this question doesn't start to flow automatically, you should stop immediately and make a list of things for which you are thankful. Why? Because regularly identifying the things you are thankful for gives you an enormous amount of perspective. When you don't stop and consider the things which you are blessed with, it's very easy to get bogged down and discouraged over the little things in life. Depressed-like thoughts result in depressed-like behavior.

4. Who do you see yourself as?

Your opinion of yourself is very important. Perceptions of self lead to reality. What type of person do you see yourself as? Are you an honest person, can people trust you? Are you kind and considerate? Do you see yourself as not being very smart? Are you a slow learner? Are you bad with people? Personal evaluations of self, whatever their nature, have a tendency to become reality. See yourself as the person you would like to be.

5. Do the people you associate with help you become a better person?

Let me clarify that the phrase “the people you associate with” refers to those you voluntarily associate with. We can tell an awful lot about a given person by getting acquainted with their close friends. How do your close friends and associations influence you? Do they contribute to or undermine your growth and flourishing as a human being?

6. Do the people you associate with help you accomplish your dreams?

To begin with, I am not saying that the only people you should associate with are those who directly help you accomplish your goals and dreams. It's not necessary to inform your great grandmother that you'll never see her again because she can't help you accomplish your dreams. Your great grandmother probably isn't going to help you climb Mt. Everest, but she might encourage you. That said, when an individual aspires to accomplish a given thing, oftentimes their friends or family will not support them, and may actually discourage and mock them. Obviously it isn't necessary that everyone support your endeavors, but it is often necessary to have someone close by that supports you.

7. What type of music do you listen to?

See below.

8. What type of TV shows do you watch?

See below.

9. What type of books do you read?

See below.

• Do these associations help you improve, or accomplish your dreams?

Everyone consumes information. The three previous questions simply refer to different methods of such consumption. But all information has an influence: it contributes to one's dominating thoughts which in turn affect one's actions and behavior. Does the information you associate with on a regular basis (music, TV, books, etc.) help you grow and improve personally? Does it help you accomplish your dreams? Many people spend a great deal of time watching TV or reading books that do absolutely nothing for them, save provide some temporary escape from reality. But the majority of the information you associate with should positively affect your life. If it doesn't, it should be changed.

10. What do you think when someone insults you?

Your initial response to an insult can be a great benefit or a great hazard. An insult is obviously negative by nature, but what matters is not the insult itself. What matters is how you perceive it. No one has the ability to force you to think a certain way about yourself. Other people can make “suggestions,” as it were. (An insult would be a negative suggestion.) But you nonetheless choose to accept or reject them. You have the ability to choose how you respond to an insult. Do you let it define who you are, or do you work to better yourself on the basis of it? It's all a matter of perception. As stated in the book, perception provides a person with the ability to change positives into negatives and negatives into positives.

The Problem With Personal Development

Largely made up of books, audio programs, classes, seminars and workshops, the world of personal development (PD) is composed of a great many things. Within it we find the healthy existence of a wide assortment of topics ranging from personal relationships and increasing productivity to teamwork and communication to leadership and various “how to” subjects and the list goes on and on. Needless to say, there's a lot going on here. But what is rarely—if ever—brought to the forefront of discussion is perhaps the most problematic aspect of PD items in general. (I use the word “items” as an all encompassing reference to any variation of personal development products or services.)

Though it permeates the entire world of PD items, the problem to which I refer is a simple one. It is not necessarily a problem with the various PD items themselves, but is rather a kind of byproduct which tends to develop as a result of the consistent use of such things. Specifically, it is the tendency to avoid or lose focus on the bettering of oneself (which is the proper end of PD items) in favor of using the information available in PD items as a standard with which to critique others. In other words, instead of my seeking to better myself through the application of a given PD item, I use the said item as the criterion to judge why the people I observe around me are so very pathetic. “If only they knew what I knew.”

Consider the following analogy. By sheer accident, Steve stumbles upon a “people skills” book. He has never read a self-help book before, but for some reason decides to give it a chance. Upon completing the book he reluctantly decides to try a suggested approach with a rather abrasive co-worker. To his amazement, his co-worker responds positively and over the next couple weeks their professional relationship improves to the point that Steve no longer considers his co-worker abrasive at all. Thinking “wow, this stuff really works!” Steve enthusiastically heads off to the nearest bookstore in search of another book, and over time, Steve becomes extremely educated and well-versed in various PD items. As a result, he grows tremendously and begins to see the fruits of his efforts in many areas of his life. But—albeit slowly and subtly—something begins to change. Steve begins losing focus of the reason he began exploring the world of PD items in the first place. He begins to lose sight of himself and begins to focus on the weaknesses and failures of other people. He begins to see nothing but the disparity between his “abundance of wisdom and perfection” and the absolute lack of such qualities in the people around him. The more PD items he consumes the more isolated he becomes in his perceived greatness. After all, he has spent years studying such things, he is well-read, well-versed, and lives on the cutting edge of personal development. What began with Steve's initial curiosity and later desire to improve himself has slowly and steadily evolved into a kind of dogmatism. A dogmatism that has resulted in Steve seeing everyone but himself as the source of all problems. Thus, Steve's education in PD items is being used as a “measuring stick” with which to evaluate and critique those around him.

Such situations are not nearly as uncommon as many would think. To be sure, they are especially common in the corporate world. Can you imagine working with people, many of whom perfectly exemplify the given description of Steve? Can you imagine the finger pointing? The stress of the internal politics? The self-righteousness? Regardless of where it occurs, such a situation is no doubt highly destructive to everyone in its proximity.

But what are we to take away from all this? Are we to conclude that, because PD items can potentially result in situations like those described above, such items ought to be avoided? On the contrary, PD items do not themselves produce such situations, but rather, such situations result from human error, misapplication and specifically self-deception—things we must always guard ourselves against.