Blame Yourself

Generally speaking I support the notion that we ought to blame ourselves for everything bad that happens to us. Perhaps that sounds a little radical? It is true that such an assertion should be qualified a bit, especially considering the “generally speaking” clause will likely prove insufficient to many. It could be argued, for instance, that the word “everything” is a bit strong. As if the crazed ice hockey spectator who takes a puck to the face should blame themselves for it. Like other things which are easily dismissed, such maxims—while at first glance appearing to be exaggerations, if not sheer nonsense—often encapsulate deeper meanings. Still, exaggerations can be life-enhancing (this last point is one I plan on discussing in more detail in the future).

Before we get too far it will be prudent to define exactly what is meant by the term “blame.” By blame, I simply mean “to place responsibility upon.” If I blame myself for something, I am acknowledging my responsibility, or behavioral/causal role, in whatever it is I am considering. I do not use the word blame to refer to a form of brow beating or self-loathing, which is, unfortunately, a common connotation that many people attach to the word.

The idea that you should blame yourself as far as possible for everything bad that happens to you is one that simply encourages personal responsibility on your part. It says, “I look to myself for accountability: what can I do personally?” Suppose you are late for work because of road construction. Should you blame yourself for being late? You should, if only because you actually are late (remember: I am not using blame as a synonym for “beat yourself up”). You may protest, “but I had no control over it!” But that makes no difference. What is the purpose of transferring responsibility on to some other party? Does it make you feel better? Is that what matters most to you? What do you actually accomplish by placing responsibility on the construction crew? Nothing, really. Yet in fact, this is how many people take first steps toward becoming “professional blamers,” i.e., people who are, practically speaking, almost incapable of taking responsibility for anything. It starts with something small and insignificant, yet over time, and if left unchecked, such behavior can grow into a real problem. “I was late because I didn't leave for work early enough to account for road construction: from now on I will leave early enough to get to work on time” is a much better alternative. It keeps the focus on what you can control, and not on external circumstances. A little wounded pride is a small price compared to a victim mentality buffered with self-pity.