Blame Yourself

Generally speaking I support the notion that we ought to blame ourselves for everything bad that happens to us. Perhaps that sounds a little radical? It is true that such an assertion should be qualified a bit, especially considering the “generally speaking” clause will likely prove insufficient to many. It could be argued, for instance, that the word “everything” is a bit strong. As if the crazed ice hockey spectator who takes a puck to the face should blame themselves for it. Like other things which are easily dismissed, such maxims—while at first glance appearing to be exaggerations, if not sheer nonsense—often encapsulate deeper meanings. Still, exaggerations can be life-enhancing (this last point is one I plan on discussing in more detail in the future).

Before we get too far it will be prudent to define exactly what is meant by the term “blame.” By blame, I simply mean “to place responsibility upon.” If I blame myself for something, I am acknowledging my responsibility, or behavioral/causal role, in whatever it is I am considering. I do not use the word blame to refer to a form of brow beating or self-loathing, which is, unfortunately, a common connotation that many people attach to the word.

The idea that you should blame yourself as far as possible for everything bad that happens to you is one that simply encourages personal responsibility on your part. It says, “I look to myself for accountability: what can I do personally?” Suppose you are late for work because of road construction. Should you blame yourself for being late? You should, if only because you actually are late (remember: I am not using blame as a synonym for “beat yourself up”). You may protest, “but I had no control over it!” But that makes no difference. What is the purpose of transferring responsibility on to some other party? Does it make you feel better? Is that what matters most to you? What do you actually accomplish by placing responsibility on the construction crew? Nothing, really. Yet in fact, this is how many people take first steps toward becoming “professional blamers,” i.e., people who are, practically speaking, almost incapable of taking responsibility for anything. It starts with something small and insignificant, yet over time, and if left unchecked, such behavior can grow into a real problem. “I was late because I didn't leave for work early enough to account for road construction: from now on I will leave early enough to get to work on time” is a much better alternative. It keeps the focus on what you can control, and not on external circumstances. A little wounded pride is a small price compared to a victim mentality buffered with self-pity.

On Greener Grass

No doubt the adage “the grass is always greener on the other side,”—or something akin to it—has, at one time or another, reached your eyes or ears. The saying is quite common, and is generally interpreted to mean that regardless of circumstances, we humans tend to think that the “other person” has things better off than we do. We tend to think of the other person's grass as being ever green, so to speak, while simultaneously evaluating our own grass (life, circumstances, etc.) as shoddy and in need of sustenance.

Taken literally, the statement “the grass is always greener on the other side,” leads to absurdity. Were the aforementioned statement literally true, it would seem to follow that there would necessarily be a hierarchy of “green grasses,” which would eventually culminate in a single person possessing the “greenest grass” of all. But if a single person possesses the “greenest grass,” then the grass cannot always be greener on the other side, because there would be no existing superior grass for the said person to gaze upon. Moreover, if I find myself somewhere in the middle of the “grass hierarchy,” (continuing the assumption that the statement is literally true) I would only be able to gaze upon those with grass superior to my own, since if I gazed upon a patch of inferior grass, then the grass couldn't possibly always be greener on the other side. It seems therefore, that the statement can only be taken literally by he or she who possesses the absolute worst grass possible—a single person. Hardly the criterion needed to establish a “common saying.”

What needs emphasis is that the grass is not “always” greener on the other side, but rather, that we humans tend to merely perceive it as being greener. We tend to think that so-and-so has things better off than we do, which may or may not be the case. This interpretation brings to light the distinction between appearance and reality. It may be true that so-and-so has things better off than we do, but on the other hand it might not be. Thus, the above adage may be amended to something like “the grass often appears greener on the other side.”

But this too is fallacious, in a sense. When we think that so-and-so has things better off than we do, what we find—when we really stop and think about what we are thinking—is that so-and-so has something specific that we find desirable. What we are really thinking about are particular instances of a person's life. We might think that so-and-so has a good job, and thus more financial security than we do. (Even this boils down to the fact that we assume the other person has more financial security, since, despite having a good job, it's possible they could be addicted to online gambling, or mired in debt, or some such thing.) We might think that so-and-so is married while we are single, and that so-and-so is consequently happier than we are. Or maybe so-and-so is particularly talented at a given thing, while we are not. In any case, we are thinking about particular instances or aspects of a person's life (at least as they appear to us).

So thoughts of another person's grass being greener is really an oversimplification. What we are really thinking about is this grass, or that grass, in a person's life, rather than the whole grass. Seeing a patch that we take to be greener than our own, we mistakenly conclude that this or that particular instance of a person's life is indicative of the whole. We see this patch of grass as being greener, and because that is what we see, we assume that all of it must be greener as well. We see so-and-so having a good job, and because we may be struggling financially, we conclude that so-and-so is better off than we are. We see so-and-so being married, and infer that so-and-so must be happier than we are, ad infinitum. But what about the things we do not see?

You may think that so-and-so has the prefect life, or a close approximate, but if you reflect on this accurately you will find that you are confusing part with whole. Certain particular instances of someone's life may be desirable, but you do not know what you cannot see. You do not know what you do not know. You can only see so much, you cannot see everything, and if you could, you might think twice about envying the life of another person. The wishing away of one's life circumstances, or the fantasizing about the life of another, is, in most cases, naïve. Don't be so quick to wish your own life away. You may wish for different circumstances, but if and when you get them you will often find that such circumstances carry complications of their own. Those among us who are truly happy and content, are happy and content here and now.

The Path of Least Resistance

There's an old adage which says “taking the path of least resistance is what causes all rivers and some men to become crooked.” There is perhaps no better way to destroy your life than developing the habit of taking the path of least resistance. It's true that flowing water will always take such a path, it has no choice. But we do have a choice. And it is our choices which largely determine the results in our life.