Understanding Your Tendencies: Lesson IX

At the end of each lesson in The Catalyst of Confidence there is a short section entitled “Understanding Your Tendencies.” These sections are composed of a series of questions designed to help the reader understand and apply some of the information that was conveyed during the lesson. What follows is my commentary on these questions from Lesson IX: Emotion and Intelligence.

1. Are you angered easily?

Another way to phrase this question would be “Do little things in life tend to hijack you emotionally?” If they do—and they do for many people—it is because you have developed the habit of responding to specific “triggers” by getting emotionally upset. Of course you probably don't think they are “little things” in the first place: those of us who are regular passengers on the emotional roller-coaster think everything is a “big deal.” But when we get down to the bottom of things, very few of them are as big of a deal as we first perceive them to be.

2. Do you throw temper-tantrums, even though you're an adult?

Take a moment to recall a young child throwing a temper-tantrum. Does this help the child in any way? Even if they succeed in getting their way (via a nearby parent or adult), the same behavior carried into adulthood is nothing short of pitiful. Again, people who throw temper-tantrums do so because they have simply developed the habit of doing so. (I am referring here to those who are genuinely upset and not merely trying to get attention.)

3. Do you hate anyone or does anyone hate you?

This question actually deserves a post of its own, which will be forthcoming.

4. How do you normally respond when you are overcome with emotions?

When you feel a strong emotion (anger, despair, sadness, etc.), what is your normal response? Is it beneficial or does it cause problems for you? How can you improve?

5. Have you ever said or done something unintentionally?

We often act without thinking, and in that sense our action may have been unintentional. Many times our emotions make it difficult for us to think clearly about what we are doing, and seemingly determine our actions as a result. If you have ever apologized to someone by saying something like “I don't know what happened—I was just really angry,” you know that emotions can easily override clear thinking. Indeed many people will outright pardon someone's behavior if they know that the person was “angry,” or “upset.” But despite this, we do have the ability to control how we respond to our emotions. Emotional intelligence is a skill, and it can be developed by anyone.

• If you could relive the situation would you respond differently?
  This question refers to Question #5 above. Needless to say, many (if not most) of the things you have done unintentionally you would probably do-over if you could.

6. Do you ever pay attention to your body's physical responses when you are overcome with emotions?

See: Are You Emotional?

7. Do you have a tendency to overreact when things don't go as planned?

A lot of people do this, but that isn't a good reason to be consoled. Pay attention to your emotions when something goes wrong. Pay attention to how you respond to them. Put some effort into analyzing your behavior. How can you improve? Also see: A Quick Observation.

Understanding Your Tendencies: Lesson VIII

At the end of each lesson in The Catalyst of Confidence there is a short section entitled “understanding your tendencies.” These sections are composed of a series of questions designed to help the reader understand and apply some of the information that was conveyed during the lesson. What follows is my commentary on these questions from Lesson VIII: Self-Deception and Learning.

1. How often do you reflect on your life (decisions, thoughts, actions, habits, beliefs, etc.)?

Thinking about your life is one of the best things (if not the best thing) you can do to improve yourself. By developing an awareness of your thoughts, decisions, actions, habits, and the causal relationships they involve, you provide yourself with a better understanding of right action. You can course correct. You can learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others. You can make better decisions in the future. But you must have the willingness to soberly look yourself in mirror and face your faults and failings.

2. Are you ever 100% certain that you are right and someone else is wrong?

Some things are certain. 2 + 2 = 4, for instance, is something that few people should dispute, provided they understand elementary mathematics. Many things, however, are not certain. They might be probable or likely, but not absolutely certain. The problem with being certain that you're right isn't that you can't know whether or not you're right. The problem is that you will soon begin assuming that you're right and the other person is wrong. The danger in assuming is that you stop thinking critically, opting to simply believe that your view is the correct one. Put differently, assuming we're right creates blind spots in our thinking, ultimately putting us in danger of deceiving ourselves.

3. Do you doubt your own abilities?

It's surprising how often we doubt ourselves when we have no good reason to. Was that low test score really evidence of your lack of ability? Are you so sure that it's not worth your time to go on that interview? Most people overestimate the abilities of other people while underestimating their own. Take a chance. You just might surprise yourself.

4. Are you honest with yourself?

Some people struggle a great deal with being honest with themselves. Fearing that, by honestly evaluating their life, they might find something they cannot bear. But if you wish to better yourself and your life, you must face the truth. If you don't, you merely prevent potential progress and keep yourself locked in check. If you do, even if it can be seemingly unbearable, you provide yourself with the opportunity to learn and grow.

5. Do you ever make excuses to yourself?

“There wasn't anything else I could have done!” “I wouldn't have done X if so-and-so didn't do Y!” The habit of making excuses is riddled with danger. When you start creating alibis to excuse your behavior, it can be very easy to lose sight of the things that you are responsible for. It's very easy to fall into the trap of avoiding responsibility, even when you're the one who is responsible. Regardless of the circumstances, you can convince yourself it's not your fault, and believe it to the core. But doing so will profit you nothing, unless you wish to be the perpetual victim of chance and happenstance.

6. Do you make decisions based on immediate or long-term desires?

Poor decisions are often solely based on immediate desires. Good decisions generally take into account long-term desires. You may think it will make you happy to eat cake at every meal. But it won't take very long for such consumptive habits to catch up with you. You may think that procrastinating is fine, right up until you regret your procrastination. Think about your actions and their consequences. And think about their long-term ramifications.

7. Have you ever thought you were better than someone else?

I'm not asking whether you have thought you were better than another person at something specific, like tennis or golf. I'm asking if you have ever thought you were better than someone else—period. If so, you're deceiving yourself. When you think you're better than another person, you tend to assume you're right and they're wrong. You inadvertently turn off your ability to think. You act and reason on the basis of assumption rather than fact. See also #2.

8. Do you ever try to run away from your problems?

If you do, you're deceiving yourself (surprise!). You're like the hypothetical ostrich that buries its head in the sand when it sees something it fears. Does ignoring your problems really make them disappear altogether? Or does it simply delay the inevitable? And though you try to force your problems from your conscious mind, are they not always with you? Quietly waiting, in the shadows of your mind? Would it not be better to begin addressing them? You are only cheating yourself by pretending they don't exist.

Now Available in Europe!

I am pleased to announce that The Catalyst of Confidence is now available in Europe! Amazon is now offering the book through their European sales channels in England, France, Germany, Spain, and Italy. Books purchased in Europe are still published in English. No translated editions are currently available.

More Thoughts On The Fear of Failure

As a quick follow up to the previous post, I would like to make some further comments on the question: Are you afraid to fail?

Fear, as we know from Lesson VI, is a state of mind which ultimately results in inaction. The fear of failure is no exception. When we are afraid to fail, we will often respond by avoiding activities that may result in failure. It seems to me, however, that the implications of such behavior would likely, in the end, be far worse than failing (or the risk of failing) would have been.

When we are afraid to fail, we will (unless we choose to act despite being afraid) only involve ourselves in activities which we believe to be nonthreatening, that is, activities in which we expect to succeed. But such activities will mostly consist of things we have already done and already succeeded in doing. Thus, if we indulge and encourage our fear of failure, we are essentially jeopardizing our ability to do things which we have not yet done. Why? Because such things would surely involve the possibility of failure. The implications of this should be obvious: a person will avoid nearly all risk taking, thereby undermining their ability to accomplish their goals and dreams (assuming they have goals and dreams).

Ask: How did I ever do anything for the very first time? Did I risk the possibility of failure? You did. And you can do it again. Besides, even if you fail, at least you have something to work with and build upon: you can identify causes of failure, try again, and persist your way to success. On the other hand, the person who, out of fear of failure, fails to act, has nothing to work with, nor can they accomplish anything. The life which has already done everything it is going to do has already been lived. Is it really worth being afraid?

Understanding Your Tendencies: Lesson VII

At the end of each lesson in The Catalyst of Confidence there is a short section entitled “understanding your tendencies.” These sections are composed of a series of questions designed to help the reader understand and apply some of the information that was conveyed during the lesson. What follows is my commentary on these questions from Lesson VII: Failure and Adversity.

1. Are you afraid to fail?

As described in the lesson, most of us are afraid to fail. This is often because we have learned to view failure as an indictment on who we are: When we fail, we see it as definitive proof that we're no good at something, or perhaps no good in general. But when we realize that failure is a natural learning process; that it is something we must tolerate as we advance from #1 to #4 in The Four Stages of Learning (which applies to everything we actively do), we should realize that evaluating ourselves on the basis of failure is absurd. Also, see Question #6 below.

2. Have you ever believed that some people were always good at what they do?

When we see a person who is exceptionally good at something, it's easy to assume that they've always been good at it. Such people are often described as being “gifted” or “talented.” And, unfortunately, that's how most people view them. But while it may be true that a person can possess a certain amount of natural ability or talent, it is wrong to assume that they are as good as they are solely because of talent. To be sure, raw talent can only take a person so far, beyond which, other factors come into play. The very best of the best, in whichever field, are as good as they are, not necessarily because of talent, but because they wanted to be the best, and were willing to learn how to do it. The person who has a burning desire and the willingness to learn will, almost always, outperform the person who possess great natural talent, but has a weak desire/willingness to learn. Stephen King's quote from Lesson X seems appropriate: “Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work and study.” It's also worth remembering that, at one time, the best of the best were in a position where they had never done what they are now known for doing. Further reading: See Process and Product in Lesson VII.

3. How do you respond when you fail?

When things don't go as you expect (assuming, of course, you aren't expecting to fail), how do you react? Do you analyze, adjust, and try again? Or do you throw a fit and whine like a young child? There are really only two responses to failure: persist or give up.

4. Do you let other people's opinions determine what you attempt to do?

It's easy to measure your life against standards imposed on you by other people. Consider a child who has no desire to play (say) baseball, but who plays nonetheless, because his father wants him to. When we're young, we don't have much say in such situations. But when we grow up we do. Yet many adults continue to make important decisions, not on the basis of their own values, but on the basis of the values of others. Consider the attorney who went to law school because that's what her parents wanted, rather than what she wanted. In addition, “other people” have a tendency to always point out what “can't be done.” It is, in many ways, a tragedy that so many dreams are snuffed out by the arrogant and often baseless criticisms made by one's contemporaries.

5. Can you think of something good that came about as a result of something you initially thought was bad?

This question fits closely with Napoleon Hill's famous saying: “Every adversity, every failure and every heartache carries with it the Seed of an equivalent or greater Benefit.” The key to doing this is looking for the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit. No experience is worthless, unless you let it pass without learning something from it.

6. Do you associate your self-worth with your failures or mistakes?

See Failure and the Evaluation of Self.

Childhood Beliefs

In his book What To Say When You Talk To Yourself, behavioral researcher Shad Helmstetter recalls an experience from childhood:

I still remember the time when, as a grade school student, I wanted more than anything I could think of to play a musical instrument and be a member of the school band. Along with ten or twelve other students from my school class, I decided to try out for the band. After being handed a completely alien musical instrument and trying to get it to make music in front of the band instructor, my class teacher, and the other students, I was dismissed.

I knew that I had not done well. But it was an hour later, after the last student of the day had performed, that I overheard the band director telling my class teacher that not only could I not play in the band, but I had no musical ability and would never be able to play a musical instrument! What incredible programming for a twelve-year-old boy who had his heart set on learning how to play!

It worked. I heard, from someone else, that I had no musical ability and I believed it. I accepted as fact that I had no musical talent and that I never would. It wasn't until years later that I finally got up enough courage to rent a piano, learn some notes, and play it secretly when no one was around to remind me that I could not play. I never did develop the skill I wanted. But I learned, after some twenty frustrating years, that our school band director was wrong. And I had believed him.

As children, we often come to believe many things we are told by adults. But how much of what we were told, particularly about ourselves and our abilities, is true? Could it be that many of the things we have come to take for granted about ourselves—things we may have allowed to define or even limit us—are, in fact, false?

The Physiology Behind Our Emotions

I highly recommend the work of Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves, and their respective research teams at TalentSmart®. Their books, The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book and Emotional Intelligence 2.0, continue to be sources of great and beneficial information for me.

Consider the following scanned-image-excerpt from Emotional Intelligence 2.0:

This image shows us the physical pathway of information in our brains. Information initially begins in our senses and enters our brain through our spinal cord, it then passes through the limbic system (where we feel emotion), before finally entering the prefrontal cortex (where we think rationally). What this means is that most of us tend to feel before we think. This also explains why we feel compelled to do certain things when we experience strong emotions. When this occurs, the feeling part of our brain often “overpowers” the thinking part and renders the latter almost useless until our emotions have subsided.

Emotional intelligence depends on the level of “communication” that exists between the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex, that is to say, it depends on the level of communication between the feeling and thinking parts of our brain. If we have developed strong communication between the feeling and thinking parts of our brain, we tend to be more able to think rationally about things while we are experiencing strong emotions. On the other hand, if little communication exists between the feeling and thinking parts of our brain, we tend to be unable to think rationally until the emotions are gone. Many people make resolutions when they are able to think rationally, but cannot seem to keep them when they experience strong emotions. Again, this results from a lack of communication between the feeling and thinking parts of the brain.

When a person seeks to develop emotional intelligence via self-awareness and self-management (as discussed in Lesson IX: Emotion and Intelligence in The Catalyst of Confidence), their brain begins opening up communicative neural-pathways between the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex. Put differently, when a person thinks about how they are feeling and how they are acting in response to that feeling, they start to open up communication between the feeling and thinking parts of their brain. The more they do this, the more neural-pathways develop, and the stronger the communication between the two respective parts of the brain becomes. Thus, over time, a person may continue developing emotional intelligence until they are almost rationally unaffected by the presence of emotion in their life.

Fear and Illness

In the previous post, I made the following remarks in response to the question: “Have you ever become mysteriously ill just before you had to do something you were afraid to do?”

Illness is actually a common symptom of fear, particularly among those who tend to really get themselves worked up over things. The mind definitely seems to have an affect on the body. But how does such a reaction come to be? Is there anything we can do to combat such a thing, should we suffer from it? It seems to me that this symptom could result from 1) the habit of avoiding fears, or 2) an extreme state of fear. If in the past, for instance, a given person has done, literally whatever they can do to get out of doing what they are afraid to do (or if they are terrified to do something), then, if no other option is available to help them avoid/alleviate their fear, their body could resort to illness. Now, this isn't to say that a person just “decides” to “get sick” when they realize there is no other alternative to avoiding their fear, though that is definitely a possibility. Rather, a person could unconsciously develop the symptoms of an illness in order to avoid a given fear. So what can we do about it?

To continue, consider the following.

When a person has developed the habit of facing their fears (acting in spite of their fear), the problem of becoming ill as a last resort can never arise (assuming their fear is not extreme). Such a person does not seek to avoid their fear at all. Rather, they seek to act, even though they may be afraid. On the other hand, the act of becoming ill in response to a fear is itself a mechanism of avoidance. It is a way of temporarily “getting out of it.” But, as mentioned above, if a person does not allow their fears to master them, if they act, despite being afraid, the problem of illness cannot arise. It's only when a person is looking for a way out that illness becomes an option. It seems then, that the symptom of becoming ill in response to fear, can only develop if we have first developed the habit of avoiding fears. But if we find we have developed such a habit, what can we do to change it?

Habits, as discussed in The Catalyst of Confidence, develop from repetitious actions. If we repeatedly seek to avoid our fears, we will develop the habit of doing so. Conversely, if we repeatedly act, despite being afraid, we will likewise develop such a habit. It should then be clear that a person, should they become ill in response to certain fears, must begin developing the habit of facing their fears. The best way to do this would be to start overcoming small fears and slowly work up to the larger ones. It may also prove helpful to review Lesson V: Action and Habit, and Lesson VI: Fear and Action.

Lastly, as mentioned above, illness could also result from an extreme state of fear. However, there seems to be little reason to consider such a thing. It seems to me that an extreme state of fear can result in one of two ways: Either 1) a person has avoided a relatively harmless fear to such an extent that they have “built it up” to be an extreme fear in their mind, or 2) a person is confronted by something that actually warrants an extreme state of fear (such as being hunted by a psychopath). The former is a result of developing the habit of avoiding fears (which was addressed above), while the latter is something that we really have no practical way of overcoming (unless, of course, we are regularly hunted by psychopaths and are thus able to become accustomed to such situations).

Understanding Your Tendencies: Lesson VI

At the end of each lesson in The Catalyst of Confidence there is a short section entitled “understanding your tendencies.” These sections are composed of a series of questions designed to help the reader understand and apply some of the information that was conveyed during the lesson. What follows is my commentary on these questions from Lesson VI: Fear and Action.

1. When was the last time you did something that was outside of your comfort zone?

Chances are you have done something, at some point in your life, that you were afraid to do. What was it? When was the last time you did this? What did it feel like?

2. Have you ever forced yourself to do something you were afraid to do?

What was it that you were afraid to do? Why did you do it, despite your fear? What was the result of doing the very thing you were afraid to do? Did you benefit from it? If so, how?

3. Have you ever become mysteriously ill just before you had to do something you were afraid to do?

This question deserves a post of its own, which will be forthcoming. For now, I will offer the following remarks. Illness is actually a common symptom of fear, particularly among those who tend to really get themselves worked up over things. The mind definitely seems to have an affect on the body. But how does such a reaction come to be? Is there anything we can do to combat such a thing, should we suffer from it? It seems to me that this symptom could result from 1) the habit of avoiding fears, or 2) an extreme state of fear. If in the past, for instance, a given person has done, literally whatever they can do to get out of doing what they are afraid to do (or if they are terrified to do something), then, if no other option is available to help them avoid/alleviate their fear, their body could resort to illness. Now, this isn't to say that a person just “decides” to “get sick” when they realize there is no other alternative to avoiding their fear, though that is definitely a possibility. Rather, a person could unconsciously develop the symptoms of an illness in order to avoid a given fear. So what can we do about it? I will discuss this in the near future.

4. When was the last time you allowed a fear to stop you from doing something?

Have you ever allowed a fear of something to stop you from doing it? What were you afraid of? What was the result of not doing the thing you were afraid to do? Did you benefit from it?

5. Have you ever experienced “analysis paralysis” as a result of fear?

As we saw in #3, people can come up with some creative ways to avoid their fears. Another such example is the over-analyzing or over-preparing for something in order to postpone the doing of it (normally because of a fear). Unfortunately, such things tend to postpone the doing of something indefinitely. A new salesperson, for instance, will likely be afraid to begin making sales calls, especially if they have never done such a thing before. As a result, rather than actually going out and beginning to make sales calls, they may instead opt to practice their “script” or “sales presentation.” Such behavior will, of course, be rationalized: “once I am more prepared, I will be ready to begin making sales calls.” But when it comes to finally begin, fear once again overcomes them, and they flee to the safety of their temporary-comfort-inducing-action-postponing behaviors. How can a person break such a cycle? They can act. Once they begin doing the thing they are afraid to do, the fear will begin to disappear. If they continue, over time, their comfort zone will expand and the fear will disappear entirely.

Clarifying Expectations

In the recent post, Start Where You Stand, I stated the following:

I tend to subscribe to the notion that, when I attempt something new, it's not possible to be “ready” or “fully prepared.” It's been my experience that I'm much better off “jumping in” and getting my “feet wet.” Should I expect my initial performance to be flawless, however, I will likely disappoint myself.

At first glance, this may appear to be flat wrong. How is it that we can't be “ready” for something? After all, have we not prepared, and been “ready” for things in the past? And why shouldn't we expect the best from ourselves? Doesn't the expectation of mediocrity contribute to mediocre results?

While these objections are not necessarily incorrect, they do miss the point of what was said. When I say that it isn't possible to be ready or fully prepared; or that expecting one's performance to be flawless will likely result in disappointment, I do not mean that one can never be ready or fully prepared, or that one should never expect the best from oneself—full stop. What I mean, rather, is that one cannot be ready or fully prepared—nor should one expect a stellar performance—the very first time they attempt to do something. Of course a person can be ready or fully prepared to do something if they have done it before. It is the very fact they have done it that enables them to understand what preparations are necessary, and it is at such times when a person ought to expect the best from themselves.

The reason I maintain that a person should never expect to be “fully prepared” when they first attempt something new, is because such expectations often jeopardize their ability to begin. In other words, they end up postponing action, because they don't feel that they are yet “fully prepared.” But, how can a person actually be “fully prepared” for something if they have yet to actually do it? How can they even know what they are prepared for, if they haven't done it yet? Hence, it is not necessary to be “fully prepared” in order to begin, it is better to just “jump in.” On the other hand, if a person does act, but acts with the expectation that they are “fully prepared” or that their performance will be stellar—and especially if they are emotionally committed to that expectation—they will very often find themselves emotionally hijacked if things don't go as planned. Whereas the person who is not caught off guard by an initial lackluster performance is able to maintain composure and can therefore more effectively work to improve. (It should also be noted that an expectation of mediocrity is entirely different from a lack of expectation of perfection.)

In short, we can only truly be prepared to do something if we have done it before, and we should only expect the best when we are qualified to expect it.

Confidence and Guts

A few days ago Seth Godin posted the following piece on his blog:

Too many MBAs are sent into the world with bravado and enthusiasm and confidence.

The problem is that they also lack guts.

Guts is the willingness to lose. To be proven wrong, or to fail.

No one taught them guts in school. So much money at stake, so much focus on the numbers and on moving up the ladder, it never occurs to anyone to talk about the value of failure, of smart risk, of taking a leap when there are no guarantees.

It's easy to be confident when you have everything aligned, when the moment is perfect. It's also not particularly useful.

I agree with these sentiments, though I will add a couple. First, I think “MBAs” could easily be replaced with “people” (in general). Obviously not all people enter adult life with “bravado and enthusiasm and confidence.” But even if you don't, what Seth says is worthy of consideration. Second, his understanding of the word confidence seems to be more narrow than my own. This may be a little “nit-picky” on my part, but Seth appears to be referencing what I would call a “lower-level” aspect of confidence. That is, equating confidence with mere faith in oneself and one's abilities. While he is right to use the word in this way, I would go a step further. In my view, confidence presupposes a complete understanding of failure and adversity, and as such I would say that confidence is more qualified, that is, it would by definition include what Seth calls “guts.”

Guts, which he rightly defines as “the willingness to lose, to be proven wrong, or to fail,” are an essential part of life. In other words, if you are not willing to take risks—to lose, be proven wrong, or fail—you probably won't do a whole lot. This is good advice. It is also an essential characteristic of true confidence.

Haircuts and Change

“You look like a hippie,” my wife said.

Now, my wife, who no doubt sees herself as a kind of guardian angel when it comes to my personal appearance, was simply trying to let her poor husband (me) know that he needed to get a haircut. But before anyone starts to think that I may have actually looked like a hippie, allow me to mention that my hair might have been two inches long on top. Still, this week I somehow managed to find myself paying a visit to my local barber.

Now, my barber, who has been a barber for about 30 years and who I happen to be on good terms with, is in the process of moving his business. This week he informed me that as of May 1^st, he will be barbering from a new location, about five miles from his current shop, and will be reducing his workload to part-time. Naturally I was curious about whether or not openings were available in his clientele. “Of course,” he said. He then proceeded to explain a bit about how the barber business works.

He told me that when a barber moves his business, even if he moves it “next door,” he immediately loses about a third of his clientele. He can expect to retain a third as loyal customers. And this leaves him with a remaining third to account for. He told me that the last third of clients is made up of people who are curious about “what is going to happen.” “Gawkers,” as he put it. They might show up at his new location for a haircut or a shave, but only to “check up” on the proprietor, probing around to see if he's going to “make it.” After they have satisfied themselves, they either stay on as customers, or mysteriously disappear. When the “gawking-process” is over, about half of them remain. All in all, if and when a barber moves his business, he can safely expect to lose about half of his clients.

But why? Isn't this little scenario somewhat odd? After all, it's the same barber. It's the same equipment. It's the same service. Yes, the location is different, but unless the barber has moved an unreasonable driving distance, why is it almost guaranteed that he will lose half of his client base? One word: change. People don't like change. Change is something that we tend to fear. Some of us manage it without much difficultly. While others are terrified of it and will do almost anything to avoid it. The prospect of change requires us to face a fear of the unknown. It requires that we step out of our comfort zone, which is an action we human beings are not especially fond of.

But this outlook, though widespread, is deeply irrational. Go ask someone whether or not their life is perfect. If they are honest, and unless they happen to be insane, they will surely reply that it is not. Most everyone will admit there are areas in their life that they would like to improve. But improvement itself presupposes change. Change is a necessary component of progress. Without change, we cannot improve ourselves or our circumstances. Yet, most of us are terrified of it. Is it possible that our fear of change is working against us? Is it possible that such fears are preventing us from bettering ourselves or our circumstances?

Fortunately for my wife, I will continue as a client after my barber moves.

Companion reading: Lesson VI: Fear and Action.

Start Where You Stand

Sometimes you have to start doing something to actually learn how to do it. Sure, you can convince yourself that you need “more time” or “more practice” or that you have “more to learn” or “aren't ready,” but sooner or later—if you really want to do something—you have to get down to doing it: you have to act.

I tend to subscribe to the notion that, when I attempt something new, it's not possible to be “ready” or “fully prepared.” It's been my experience that I'm much better off “jumping in” and getting my “feet wet.” Should I expect my initial performance to be flawless, however, I will likely disappoint myself. Such expectations have largely proven to be foolish. But by acting, without the expectation of perfection, I provide myself something to work with. I provide myself with a foundation to build upon and improve. Had I not started, I would still be “sitting,” “practicing,” or “planning.” But by acting, I am able to correct myself as I go.

Start where you stand. Use the tools you have at your disposal. You may surprise yourself how quickly you can learn and improve.

Understanding Your Tendencies: Lesson V

At the end of each lesson in The Catalyst of Confidence there is a short section entitled “understanding your tendencies.” These sections are composed of a series of questions designed to help the reader understand and apply some of the information that was conveyed during the lesson. What follows is my commentary on these questions from Lesson V: Action and Habit.

1. Have you ever found it hard to change?

If you haven't, you should probably check your pulse. The difficultly of change is a result of habit. This doesn't mean that “change is difficult” because we have developed a “change is difficult-like” habit. It means that change is difficult because the very things we wish to change are almost always related to our habits.

2. Have you ever tried to stop doing something, but can't seem to stop?

Although changing a habit is a simple thing to do—it is not easy—and at times can be extremely difficult. One thing to keep in mind is that you should never try to just “stop” doing something. Rather, you should do something other-than whatever it is you want to stop doing. Instead of attempting to “will” a habit to disappear, it is always better to work to replace a habit with another habit. This issue is also addressed in a previous post.

3. Do you ever say you are going to do something, but don't seem to do it?

This is an issue of discipline, which I define as simply “doing what you commit to do.” This is discussed at length here.

4. Are there things other people do that really “tick you off”?

This question gives us a glimpse into the world of emotional intelligence, which will be discussed later. Suffice it to say that the reason we get “ticked off” in response to things that other people do is because we have developed the habit of doing so. Sure, we might disagree with something to the point that our blood boils, but most things are not worth getting so angry over.

5. Do things which once seemed hard now seem easy?

We normally struggle the first time we attempt to do something. But when we continue to perform the actions necessary to do it, over time, our struggle begins to disappear. If we continue further, over time the action itself becomes second nature—it becomes a habit. Realize that beneficial habits are almost always difficult to develop in the early stages. But once they are developed, you can benefit from them for the rest of your life.

One Week Give Away!

From today through March 11th the folks over at CurrClick are running a promotion for The Catalyst of Confidence E-Book. They call it their "weekly freebie." The book will be available as a digital download in PDF format for $0.00. No catch. Details here. At this point the promotion has only been live for a few hours and already more than 50 copies have been downloaded!

Also, the recently released digital-only version of the Life n' Leadership program has also been discounted on CurrClick. It's available for $29.98, down from $49.95. Details here. This discount will only be effective for the duration of the "weekly freebie" event for The Catalyst of Confidence E-Book (March 5th through March 11th).

Understanding Your Tendencies: Lesson IV

At the end of each lesson in The Catalyst of Confidence there is a short section entitled “understanding your tendencies.” These sections are composed of a series of questions designed to help the reader understand and apply some of the information that was conveyed during the lesson. What follows is my commentary on these questions from Lesson IV: Thought and Concentration.

1. Who are you today compared to the person you would like to be tomorrow?

If “who we are” today has developed as a result of the dominating thoughts we have previously held in our minds, then it follows that the person we will become will also result from the dominating thoughts we hold in our minds. Thus, if you desire to change, if you desire to be a better person in the future—in whatever respect—you must change the information you associate with and concentrate upon. At least to the extent you wish to change or better yourself. If you continue associating with and concentrating upon the same information, don't be surprised when you don't change.

2. What do you concentrate on?

If those around you were granted the ability to “look into” your thoughts in the middle any given day, what would they be most likely to find? What things do you think about on a regular basis? What are your dominating thoughts? And perhaps more importantly, are they positive or negative? What consequences might these thoughts have on your actions and behavior?

3. What are you thankful for?

If your answer to this question doesn't start to flow automatically, you should stop immediately and make a list of things for which you are thankful. Why? Because regularly identifying the things you are thankful for gives you an enormous amount of perspective. When you don't stop and consider the things which you are blessed with, it's very easy to get bogged down and discouraged over the little things in life. Depressed-like thoughts result in depressed-like behavior.

4. Who do you see yourself as?

Your opinion of yourself is very important. Perceptions of self lead to reality. What type of person do you see yourself as? Are you an honest person, can people trust you? Are you kind and considerate? Do you see yourself as not being very smart? Are you a slow learner? Are you bad with people? Personal evaluations of self, whatever their nature, have a tendency to become reality. See yourself as the person you would like to be.

5. Do the people you associate with help you become a better person?

Let me clarify that the phrase “the people you associate with” refers to those you voluntarily associate with. We can tell an awful lot about a given person by getting acquainted with their close friends. How do your close friends and associations influence you? Do they contribute to or undermine your growth and flourishing as a human being?

6. Do the people you associate with help you accomplish your dreams?

To begin with, I am not saying that the only people you should associate with are those who directly help you accomplish your goals and dreams. It's not necessary to inform your great grandmother that you'll never see her again because she can't help you accomplish your dreams. Your great grandmother probably isn't going to help you climb Mt. Everest, but she might encourage you. That said, when an individual aspires to accomplish a given thing, oftentimes their friends or family will not support them, and may actually discourage and mock them. Obviously it isn't necessary that everyone support your endeavors, but it is often necessary to have someone close by that supports you.

7. What type of music do you listen to?

See below.

8. What type of TV shows do you watch?

See below.

9. What type of books do you read?

See below.

• Do these associations help you improve, or accomplish your dreams?

Everyone consumes information. The three previous questions simply refer to different methods of such consumption. But all information has an influence: it contributes to one's dominating thoughts which in turn affect one's actions and behavior. Does the information you associate with on a regular basis (music, TV, books, etc.) help you grow and improve personally? Does it help you accomplish your dreams? Many people spend a great deal of time watching TV or reading books that do absolutely nothing for them, save provide some temporary escape from reality. But the majority of the information you associate with should positively affect your life. If it doesn't, it should be changed.

10. What do you think when someone insults you?

Your initial response to an insult can be a great benefit or a great hazard. An insult is obviously negative by nature, but what matters is not the insult itself. What matters is how you perceive it. No one has the ability to force you to think a certain way about yourself. Other people can make “suggestions,” as it were. (An insult would be a negative suggestion.) But you nonetheless choose to accept or reject them. You have the ability to choose how you respond to an insult. Do you let it define who you are, or do you work to better yourself on the basis of it? It's all a matter of perception. As stated in the book, perception provides a person with the ability to change positives into negatives and negatives into positives.

Understanding Your Tendencies: Lesson III

At the end of each lesson in The Catalyst of Confidence there are short sections entitled “understanding your tendencies.” These sections are composed of a series of questions designed to help the reader understand and apply some of the information that was conveyed during the lesson. What follows is my commentary on these questions from Lesson III: Goals and Dreams.

1. Do you have goals and dreams?

This is pretty straight forward. Yes or no. You either do or you don't.

2. What are you currently working to accomplish?

What do you work to accomplish on a day-to-day basis? Anything specific? Do you just go to work and come home? Or is your activity focused on a definite objective?

3. Have you defined your goals and dreams in writing?

Again, this is pretty simple. You either have goals and dreams or you don't, and you either have them written down or you don't. If you have goals and dreams but haven't bothered writing them down read this.

4. Do you consistently focus on your defined goals?

It's one thing to have goals, and it's important to have them defined in a concrete way (on paper), but it makes little difference if you don't focus on them. Without consistent focus and concentrated effort, your written goals and dreams will likely become a “wish list" of things you wanted to do when you were younger.

5. Have you given your mind the necessary time to begin working out plans for your goals?

As explained in the book, it is not necessary to know “how” to accomplish something at the time you define it as a goal or dream. When you focus or concentrate on the object of your desire (your goal/dream) your mind will begin “working out” a method, in the form of ideas, that will aid you in determining “how” to accomplish it. These ideas provide a person with the “raw material” needed to develop a plan for the attainment of a given goal. Yet many times people become discouraged when “brilliant ideas” don't appear in their minds immediately. It is important to note that this process takes time. You shouldn't expect to figure it all out overnight, nor should you expect your initial plan to work flawlessly. Consistent concentration is necessary for problem solving and goal reaching, but so is time.

6. After you develop plans, how long do you wait before acting on them?

You shouldn't be waiting long. Immediately is preferable to “soon” or “someday.” Bottom line, if you have developed a plan, you should be acting on it. If you're not, your slowly but surely developing a habit of procrastination. People often postpone acting on their plans because they want to make sure their plans are perfect. After all, they don't want to make a fool out of themselves. Yet it is still better to get into action, even if you fail. The likely result of non-action, whatever its justification, is procrastination, paralysis and fear. When you act, at least you have something to work with, at least you have a ship to steer.

7. What does your ideal life look like?

To be honest, this question deserves a post of its own, perhaps soon. However, it should suffice to say that by defining an “ideal life,” a person provides oneself with a kind of “blueprint” or “standard” with which to evaluate and compare their current life circumstances. Of course a person shouldn't be depressed if every aspect of their so-called “ideal life” doesn't come to fruition. That, properly speaking, isn't the point of it. The concept of an “ideal life” is simply a useful tool that can be used as a means to making sound decisions. “Will this choice/action bring me closer to or further from my ideal life?”

8. If you could do anything, what would you do?

Few people will stop to actually consider such a question. Many will shrug it off or label it “impossible” or “impractical.” But if you could really do whatever it is that you would love to do—what would you do? And are your reasons for saying you “can't do it” really good reasons after all? Is it really impossible? Or would it just be extremely difficult? But perhaps more importantly, if you actually did it, would it be worth it?

9. Do you realize the mental process of bringing goals and dreams into reality can be used to solve personal problems?

See Running In Circles.

Opportunity?

The word "opportunity" is defined in the Lexicon as "a perception of the mind which enables individuals to solve problems, change, improve or reach goals and dreams." It is important to note that an opportunity is a perception. In other words, two different people can evaluate the exact same situation in completely different ways. One person may see a hopeless situation while the other may see it as something to take advantage of or learn from. Such perceptions lay the groundwork for beliefs which in turn govern the actions and the potential of the individual. But fortunately for us, perceptions are not fixed. With a little time and effort we can learn to see things differently. Perhaps opportunities are not as scarce as they may seem?

The Eye of Thinking

In the previous post in our informal series on thinking we discussed a method of observing, hypothesizing and experimenting as a way to identify and remedy undesirable life circumstances or problems. The effectiveness of this process, however, is utterly dependent upon a certain characteristic. Namely, whether or not the individual utilizing the said process is willing to take personal responsibility to fix the problem, whatever it may be.

Taking responsibility implies that we are going to take action in some form or another. Thus it seems necessary to make a distinction between the things we can control and the things we can't. The former being our most effective option. We know that, strictly speaking, the only thing which we have direct control over is ourselves. That is to say we have direct control over our own actions. In contrast to the things we directly control are the things which we do not, specifically, external circumstances. External circumstances are just that—external—and therefore “outside” of our direct control. The weather, the actions of other people, and random events in life, for example, would all fall under the umbrella of external circumstances. At this point it should be obvious that if we are going to attempt to solve a problem or remedy a given situation, we ought to focus not on the things which are beyond our control, but rather specifically on the things which we are capable of directly affecting. In short, we need to focus on what we can personally do and not on the external circumstances that may exist. It makes no difference in the world what some other person ought to be doing—you cannot control the other person—you can only control yourself.

Consider the likely result when a person fails to take personal responsibility to solve a given problem or circumstance. Take person A, for example, who, rather than seeking to ascertain what they can do to help solve a problem, seeks instead to determine what someone else (say person B) ought to do to fix it. Such a situation would be characterized by a failure to focus on what one can directly control in favor of something one has absolutely no control over—the actions of other people. What would this accomplish? To begin with, unless person B is aware that it is supposedly “his responsibility” to remedy the situation, chances are nothing will be done. Person A will just sit around thinking that person B ought to do something. But on the other hand, if person A confronts person B in order to “get him to do something,” person B could easily turn the situation around and simply respond “that's not my responsibility—get someone else to do it!” It doesn't require very much imagination to see how such a situation could quickly escalate into something far worse than the initial problem. We could further complicate the situation by supposing that person A is in a position of authority over person B and thus, if person B desires to keep their job in good standing, they will do what they've been told. But this is how employees come to resent their bosses. When “the boss” is constantly “pawning off” responsibility for problems on “other people,” the “other people” naturally lose respect for them. Contrariwise, when “the boss” takes responsibility for problems and works to correct them—even if the problems are not “the bosses” fault to begin with—employees will naturally aspire to be more responsible and effective. The likely result then of avoiding personal responsibility to solve a given problem or circumstance—irrespective of what the specifics may or may not be—is not only the probable failure to fix the problem itself, but also the possibility of widespread animosity and pandemonium as well.

The “eye” of thinking should be understood as the “center point” or the heart of thinking, which refers to thinking only in terms of what you can personally do to help a given problem or circumstance. It makes no difference “who's fault” something is. It makes no difference what “someone else” ought to do. The only thing that you have control over is your own actions. If you want to fix a given problem then you must focus on the things that you can do personally to fix it.

Unless of course you would prefer to stress yourself out and frustrate yourself to the very edges of sanity—it's up to you.

Get Over Yourself

How do you respond when things don't go as you expect? Do you contemplate the possible causes that something did not work out? Do you stop and think about it? Do you examine your own actions in relation to the outcome and resolve to correct them in the future? Or do you just fly off the handle, freak out, go berserk?

Consider this 36-second clip taken from America's Funniest Home Videos:

Obviously the child is quite ignorant in regard to the cause of his falling when he steps on to the “slip-n-slide.” He doesn't realize that wet plastic is slippery, nor is it likely he would understand what “slippery” means at his age. Nonetheless, he seems perfectly content to believe that the reality of his “repeatedly-falling-down” is something the “slip-n-slide” is deliberately doing to him. Thus, the responsibility is clearly the slip-n-slide's and as a result the little man is doing his best to give it a solid verbal lashing.

Now clearly no one is forcing the little guy to run out on the slip-n-slide. He simply observes some other kids doing it, sees that they are having a good time, and decides to give it a whirl. But the other kids aren't falling down like bumbling idiots, so why is he? Maybe the slip-n-slide is doing it to him? Maybe he ought to put it in its place?

Little does the child know that it is his fault that he is falling down like that. In effect, his deliberately running onto a slippery surface is directly resulting in his loss of balance and subsequent descent. Now surely it would be wrong to expect a child of his age to know this, but is it wrong to expect grown adults to? Many people make their way through life yelling and screaming about situations, situations—perhaps unbeknownst to them—that they themselves are responsible for creating! And though it is true that many external circumstances appear without being directly caused by everyone affected by them, the fact remains that we as individuals are directly responsible for the creation of a great many of the life circumstances that we enjoy—or suffer. And unless we take the time to examine the causal relationships of our unpleasant life circumstances—and moreover are willing to take personal responsibility for them and get over ourselves—the likelihood of any of our situations improving will be almost entirely beyond our control.

Perhaps those who prefer to avoid responsibility for their life should wear diapers as well?