Treating Persons as Persons

Have you ever walked through the entrance of a grocery store only to find some desperate promoter or sales agent waiting to ambush you? I'm not talking about girl scouts or Christmas charity collections (among others). They tend to be more laid back about what they're doing. I'm talking about someone representing a business who is using the entrance of a grocery store as a means of generating business. They're out to make money, and that's why they're in ambush-mode.

I recently encountered such a person at the local grocery store. Presumably her purpose for being there was to generate sales-leads for some company. (If you don't know, a sales-lead is basically the contact information of a potential customer or client.) This is usually how it works: You have people fill out a card with their contact information; address, email, phone number, maybe all of the above. In return, the person filling out the card is given some incentive to do so, such as "your name will be entered to win a free vacation or $1,000 shopping spree," or something like that. Thus, the company representative is able to generate a list of potential clients/customers for her company to follow up with, while the potential client/customer feels satisfied with being entered to win the moon. What I have just described is exactly what I encountered. But how do you suppose this woman approached me to fill out a card?

It's been my experience that people will generally begin by telling you who they represent and what the heck they are doing cornering you in the partition between the electronic sliding doors of a grocery store. It should be no surprise that they have a better chance of your cooperating if they treat you like a person. There is another school of thought, however, which basically says that people will do what you tell them to do, so just tell them what it is what you want them to do and most of them will do it without question (I know this because I have worked in sales and studied sales extensively). The woman I encountered opted for the latter.

It seemed like she was already in my face before I even had time to breathe. She didn't look me in the eye at all, she didn't tell me who she represented, she didn't tell me what she was doing there. She simply pointed at me and, handing me a card, said rather impatiently, "Here, fill this out!" She acted like I was under arrest and she was charged with taking down my personal information, almost like it was my duty to fill out the card and that I had better hurry up. "Here's a pen," she added. "Put down your name, address, phone num..." "No thanks," I said, and walked away.

Now I'm normally pretty polite to these people, and, depending on what the situation is, will often fill out a card. It all depends on how they approach me. You're probably the same way. Maybe you won't always do what they ask, but sometimes you will, and it probably comes down to how they treat you. This woman treated me like I was a robot, like I was inhuman. I wasn't told what was going on, I was told to fill out a card, a card with my personal information on it. As a result, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with whatever it was she was doing. Suppose instead that she politely told me what she was doing and then asked for my cooperation? Maybe I would still have said no, but wouldn't she have at least treated me like a human being?

Regardless of who you are interacting with, always remember that you are dealing with a person, a person who has their own life circumstances, their own struggles and hardships, and their own hopes and dreams. And you can never go wrong by treating them with dignity and respect.

A Quick Follow Up

You may have noticed that the previous post was written in rather harsh and insulting prose. Hopefully you didn't take it as an invitation to rush off to the nearest known “serial-venter” and tell them exactly what you just read. To be sure, you should rarely, if ever, be as direct with someone in a one-on-one situation (depending on factors such as your level of influence with them, their willingness to listen, their personality-type, etc.). You can sometimes, however, get away with it while teaching or lecturing, during a speech, or on a blog, for example, as the audience is much less likely to take it personally (although you will almost always offend some people). This is usually because they think the speaker is talking to someone other than them. When reading the previous post, for instance, you may have found yourself thinking something like “so-and-so needs to hear this!” On the other hand, you may have been seriously offended, or even angered, by what was said.

Though the topics associated with the previous post are “Likability,” “People Skills,” and “Tactfulness,” the post itself, mainly due to its harsh tone, does not embody these qualities. This, I suppose, is a bit of a paradox, and perhaps even ironic. But it should be emphasized that the post was not meant to be likable or tactful in itself, but rather, was meant to illustrate the point (admittedly in blunt fashion) that using one's problems as conversation pieces, ice breakers, or dead air removers, particularly with people you are not close friends with, is indeed a very unlikable thing. It is a quality that pushes people away and deducts value from them.

Some Derogatory Remarks on "Venting"

People don't need to know about your problems. Keep such things to yourself. Stop lurking around for a fresh victim to lambast with your sorrows. If you need to talk, do so with a close friend, but don't develop the habit of venting to whoever will listen. People may tolerate your lamentations politely, but will disappear when the opportunity presents itself, thankful to slip away. Serial-venters are like the grim reaper, wandering about, darkening the rooms they enter, killing plants and leaving corpses in their wake. Such people are, if possible, avoided, and if not, dreaded. No one enjoys keeping company with an emotional vampire who sucks the life out of them. Talk to yourself, or your pet if you must, but avoid spreading your misery among the populace. People don't need to know about your problems. Keep such things to yourself, or better yet, solve them.

(Companion post: A Quick Follow Up.)

Some Thoughts on Arguments

I agree with Dale Carnegie when it comes to arguments: "The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it." This statement immediately calls for some qualifications. First, people tend to reduce it to something like "don't argue," which, strictly speaking, is an appropriate reduction. However, the word "argue," at least as Dale Carnegie understands it, has a more narrow meaning than most people associate with it. When we think of two people arguing, for example, we tend to think of them disagreeing. And the communication that occurs between two or more parties who disagree just is what most of us think when we hear the word "argue." Thus, "Steve is arguing with Bob," is basically synonymous with "Steve is disagreeing with Bob." But when Dale Carnegie says "don't argue," he doesn't mean "don't disagree" with people, but rather, don't fight with people. A fight would involve things like yelling or screaming in someones face, speaking in a sarcastic, condescending or arrogant tone, eye rolling, saying things like "oh, come on!" or "that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!" or even accusing the other person of being ignorant or flat out stupid. Of course, whether we've participated first hand or merely observed, we can easily recall a "verbal discussion" characterized by such things. This is the form of argument that Dale Carnegie advises us to avoid.

But why, exactly? Why shouldn't we get in heated personal debates with people, make snippy remarks and roll our eyes, or even (if need be) call them stupid? After all, isn't that what arguments are all about? To answer these questions, it's necessary to consider the purpose of an argument. In other words, why engage the other person to begin with? What's the point? If the point of getting in an argument with someone is to attempt to make them look stupid, or make ourselves feel better, then avoiding the eye rolling and condescending tones and name calling becomes unintelligible. Such things are exactly what we need to make someone look stupid or make ourselves feel better! But if the point of getting in an argument is to influence the other person, that is, to change their mind or affect their opinion, the picture changes dramatically.

Consider when some other person screams in your face, or acts like they are "above and beyond" your intellect. Recall when someone has called you stupid, employed sarcasm to make fun of you, or referred to something you said as "the dumbest thing" they've ever heard. How do you respond to these things? Do these things encourage you to like or admire the other person? Has the other person gained any influence with you? Are you more likely to turn around and agree with their position? Or do you resent them treating you in such a way? Even if they turn out to be right, are you not more inclined to dismiss them because they have treated you so poorly? The reason Dale Carnegie advises us to avoid arguments is because when we do (argue/fight), people naturally resent it and close their minds to what we have to say. Our position may be the absolute objective truth, but it doesn't matter to them. We have lost influence with them, and what we have to say no longer matters.

If you wish to influence another person, you have to show respect for two things: the other person and their ideas. You have to listen to what they have to say, and the reasons they have for saying it. And you cannot do so by being unfriendly, unpleasant or disrespectful. You can certainly disagree with people. But don't ever, as Dale Carnegie says, argue with them. If you do, chances are that you will lose influence with them, and by doing so, you may forever lose the opportunity to contribute to their life.

Ignorance and Patience

Few things are more difficult to tolerate than sheer unbridled ignorance. But unless you have a considerable amount of influence with the other person, or unless they are genuinely seeking your answers—it's probably best to keep your mouth shut. Of course you can always just “stick it to them” or “put them in their place” or “blow them out of the water.” And though a response of this nature might help you feel a bit better, it will probably do more harm than good. For by reacting in such a way you will likely destroy any potential you had to influence the other person for the better. After all, it's near impossible to convince another person to change their mind about something in one big leap. But with a little patience, slow and unforced baby steps can add up over time.