New Year's Resolutions & Book Announcement

As the year draws to a close many people will begin committing to "new year's resolutions." Resolving to save money, or lose weight, or eat healthier, or pay off debts, or be more friendly, or whatever: they begin the new year with hope and anticipation. But oddly enough (hilariously, in my view), by the second month of the new year, most, indeed the great majority of them, will have failed to follow through on their resolution(s). Statistics vary, but the data generally shows that by February almost 90% of "new year's resolution makers" will have either forgot about their resolution altogether, or given up (for whatever reason) on actually doing it. Why is this? The short answer is because they lack discipline.

Of course I'm not talking about you, dear reader. There isn't a doubt in my mind that you are a member of the elite 10% who actually has the sense to do what  you commit yourself to do. After all, you read this blog. And you don't just read it, you act on it. You don't just understand this stuff intellectually, you take the time and put forth the effort to understand it functionally as well. So naturally it isn't a surprise that you're not a member of that "90% riff raff" that spends their days mindlessly wandering the planet. Indeed, no surprise at all.

I'm sure that you've bumped in to some of those 90%er's, haven't you? Perhaps you wonder if there is anything you can do to help them "break the spell"? To help them exercise a bit of their humanity? To help them out of the darkness and guide them into the light? Or (heaven forbid!) you might happen to be one of those 90%er's! One of the few who may be lurking here trying to find a glimmer of hope! In either case, prepare yourself for my new book: Discipline: What it is; How to develop it; Why you should.

To begin with, Discipline will be released next month--just in time for you "new year's resolution" folks! The book is quite short, and is specifically designed to cover the "what, why and how" of developing self-discipline. Unlike The Catalyst of Confidence, which covered a wide range of topics, Discipline focuses on one, and attempts to cover it in scrupulous detail. The book will retail on Amazon.com for under $7.00 in paperback, and $1.99 on Kindle. What could be a better new years gift to yourself?

Stay tuned for more updates!

Some End-of-Year Updates

It's been a busy year with lots of projects going on. First and foremost I've been working on a new book, which is now in the final stages of completion (announcement forthcoming!). Also, a second edition of The Catalyst of Confidence will be released next year. No new content, just some simple editorial and structural changes, with a new cover to boot! Lastly, in anticipation of the coming semester, Life n' Leadership is currently on sale ($19.92) on Amazon.com until January 10^th, 2013.

Some Thoughts on Communication

Communication between people is accomplished through the medium of language. We communicate with words. But communication is only possible because words have meanings attached to them. When I say something is “hot” or “cold,” you are quickly able to grasp the basic proposition of what it is that I mean when I use such words. Yet not all words are so easily discernible, so clean cut, so black and white. Indeed, many times people will use a word to mean one thing, when, in their mind, they really mean something entirely different. And thus arises an explanation (no doubt among many) of why real communication can be so challenging.

You can have a conversation, a discussion, even an argument with someone, yet if you don't understand exactly what it is that they mean when they say what they say, you aren't really communicating with them. You're simply talking past one another, and though it may appear that communication is occurring, in reality it isn't. For this reason (among others) I have noticed that it is of paramount importance to understand what people mean when they use the words they do. I often find myself asking others “what exactly do you mean when you say 'x'?” or “when you say 'y,' do you mean this or that?” and so on. Recently I heard someone say that they were “being logical.” But when I inquired as to what they meant by the word “logical,” I found that they were actually thinking that they had a good reason to do whatever it was they were going to do. By “logical,” they seemed to think that they had thought the matter through and were not being rash. Had I not asked, however, I would never have guessed that that was what they meant.

The bottom line is this: don't assume that you know what the other person means when they write or say something. You may have very well read or heard a given word, and they may have very well used that word, but make sure that you are both on the same page when it comes to its meaning. Seek first to understand.

Explaining Losses

Winning and losing is implicit in the nature of competition. There must be a scorecard, a results tally. Someone must win, someone must lose. However, should the losing party attempt to explain their loss—something that I continuously find rather puzzling, and which usually comes in the form of excuse making or blaming—their explanation, at bottom, usually amounts to: “If only you hadn't won, I would have!” Indeed... a most astute observation.

I often wonder why people feel the need to explain their losses to those around them. Take a card game, Euchre, for instance. When a person wins a trick, you will often find that one of the losers will say something like: "If you didn't have that King, I would have won it!" Or, if the situation is such that whomever wins the trick wins the game: "If you didn't have that King, we would have won the game!" Now, I can't for the life of me think of a more uninteresting thing to say. Again, "If only you hadn't won, I would have!" Great. What an exceedingly riveting observation. Why don't we sit here for another 20 minutes hashing out all the ways you could have won—"if only things had happened differently"?

Why do people do stuff like that? Is it because they're embarrassed they lost? Is it because they want the winners to know that they (the winning party) just barely eek'd out a victory, and that they (the losing party) are not so very bad after all? No doubt I will encounter the said situation again at some point in the future. And when I do, perhaps I can cross examine a few people and figure out just what is going on in their minds when they say such things.

Everyone?

I've mentioned Dale Carnegie a couple times on this blog (here and here). Recently I came across the following quote attributed to him: “Everyone is your superior in some way.” I'm pretty sure this quote comes from How To Win Friends and Influence People, though it wasn't directly cited.

“Everyone is your superior in some way.” Here we have a proposition that may lead some to scoff. But the scoffers haven't thought carefully enough about it. It's easy to jest when you don't bother to think. To be sure, this quote isn't intended to be a flat-out bearer of truth, akin to something like 2 + 2 = 4 (though a case could probably be made in support of it). Rather, it is intended as a kind of “principle of human relations.”

Consider the person who flatly believes that they are superior to others. How are they likely to treat others when their behavior is predicated on the belief that they are a superior kind of human being? Contrast such a person with the opposite: he or she who approaches others with the understanding that everyone they encounter is, in some way, their superior. How are they likely to interact with others? Which person would you rather associate with? The point here isn't to “bow down” to everyone you interact with because they are better than you in some unknown or mysterious way. It is simply a psychological tool that can be used to help avoid arrogance and snobbishness, both of which are rather unlikable traits.

To state the same idea differently (my apologies to the anti-philosophy crowd), think of it this way: If the proposition that A) everyone is my superior in some way, is true, then it is equally true that B) I am superior to everyone in some way. The truth of one entails the truth of the other. But again, consider the difference in my potential outlook and behavior when I act on the basis of A instead of B. Both A and B are equally valid, yet they produce mutually exclusive outlooks and dispositions. The one I choose to focus on, and thereby think in terms of, affects my behavioral disposition, particularly in how I view myself and those around me, and will no doubt flow over into my daily interactions with others.

Lance Armstrong and Certainty

Lance Armstrong has been viewed by many people to be the best contemporary example of human potential in action. And it isn't hard to see why. His official website briefly explains his biography:

If scripted by Hollywood, the story would be dismissed as trite melodrama: A deadly disease strikes a promising athlete. Despite desperately thin odds, he manages not only to beat the affliction but also to return to the sport and win its top prize, not once but a record seven times. Unbelievable, except it's true.

But the story doesn't end on the finish line at the Tour de France. His experience made him a part of a cancer community, and motivated him to unleash the same passion and drive he does in bike races to the fight against cancer.

Since he made history in 1999, he has won the tour six more times, and has become one of the most recognizable and admired people of this era.

And yet earlier today cycling's governing body—Union Cycliste Internationale—agreed to strip the seven Tour de France titles of Lance Armstrong and ban him from the sport for life; citing a recent doping investigation conducted by the USADA, which has reportedly revealed Armstrong's participation in various deceptive activities of the USPS Pro-Cycling Team. For the purposes of this post, I will assume the findings of the USADA investigation to be brute fact (it is of course possible that the investigation of the doping conspiracy is itself a conspiracy, but let that pass).

Few people have provided the modern world of “motivation” with a better real-life example of human potential and performance than Lance Armstrong. And it's no surprise that Armstrong's story has been used (and perhaps overused) as a megaphone to serve that purpose. But now that the best living example (arguably) of human achievement has been shown to be a fraud, his story (if it is mentioned at all) will have to be changed to something like “he could have been what we thought he was, if only he had done x.”

What this little debacle illustrates is the distinction between perception and reality. Between the way we think things are, and the way they actually are. No doubt there are people out there who cannot bring themselves to believe that such an indictment on the great Lance Armstrong could possibly be true, and no doubt they will tie themselves in knots trying to explain why or how it is false. It's one thing to know the character of a person, or rather how we have experienced a person's character in the past. But knowing what we know about another person with certainty is a different matter altogether. And the certainty of the character of a public figure is, as a brute fact, one of the least certain certainties of all.

On Greener Grass

No doubt the adage “the grass is always greener on the other side,”—or something akin to it—has, at one time or another, reached your eyes or ears. The saying is quite common, and is generally interpreted to mean that regardless of circumstances, we humans tend to think that the “other person” has things better off than we do. We tend to think of the other person's grass as being ever green, so to speak, while simultaneously evaluating our own grass (life, circumstances, etc.) as shoddy and in need of sustenance.

Taken literally, the statement “the grass is always greener on the other side,” leads to absurdity. Were the aforementioned statement literally true, it would seem to follow that there would necessarily be a hierarchy of “green grasses,” which would eventually culminate in a single person possessing the “greenest grass” of all. But if a single person possesses the “greenest grass,” then the grass cannot always be greener on the other side, because there would be no existing superior grass for the said person to gaze upon. Moreover, if I find myself somewhere in the middle of the “grass hierarchy,” (continuing the assumption that the statement is literally true) I would only be able to gaze upon those with grass superior to my own, since if I gazed upon a patch of inferior grass, then the grass couldn't possibly always be greener on the other side. It seems therefore, that the statement can only be taken literally by he or she who possesses the absolute worst grass possible—a single person. Hardly the criterion needed to establish a “common saying.”

What needs emphasis is that the grass is not “always” greener on the other side, but rather, that we humans tend to merely perceive it as being greener. We tend to think that so-and-so has things better off than we do, which may or may not be the case. This interpretation brings to light the distinction between appearance and reality. It may be true that so-and-so has things better off than we do, but on the other hand it might not be. Thus, the above adage may be amended to something like “the grass often appears greener on the other side.”

But this too is fallacious, in a sense. When we think that so-and-so has things better off than we do, what we find—when we really stop and think about what we are thinking—is that so-and-so has something specific that we find desirable. What we are really thinking about are particular instances of a person's life. We might think that so-and-so has a good job, and thus more financial security than we do. (Even this boils down to the fact that we assume the other person has more financial security, since, despite having a good job, it's possible they could be addicted to online gambling, or mired in debt, or some such thing.) We might think that so-and-so is married while we are single, and that so-and-so is consequently happier than we are. Or maybe so-and-so is particularly talented at a given thing, while we are not. In any case, we are thinking about particular instances or aspects of a person's life (at least as they appear to us).

So thoughts of another person's grass being greener is really an oversimplification. What we are really thinking about is this grass, or that grass, in a person's life, rather than the whole grass. Seeing a patch that we take to be greener than our own, we mistakenly conclude that this or that particular instance of a person's life is indicative of the whole. We see this patch of grass as being greener, and because that is what we see, we assume that all of it must be greener as well. We see so-and-so having a good job, and because we may be struggling financially, we conclude that so-and-so is better off than we are. We see so-and-so being married, and infer that so-and-so must be happier than we are, ad infinitum. But what about the things we do not see?

You may think that so-and-so has the prefect life, or a close approximate, but if you reflect on this accurately you will find that you are confusing part with whole. Certain particular instances of someone's life may be desirable, but you do not know what you cannot see. You do not know what you do not know. You can only see so much, you cannot see everything, and if you could, you might think twice about envying the life of another person. The wishing away of one's life circumstances, or the fantasizing about the life of another, is, in most cases, naïve. Don't be so quick to wish your own life away. You may wish for different circumstances, but if and when you get them you will often find that such circumstances carry complications of their own. Those among us who are truly happy and content, are happy and content here and now.

Are You Good With People?

No offense, but what you think doesn't really matter. What matters is what the other person thinks. That's right, other people are the best judge of how well we interact with them. It's easy to read a few books on people skills and think “I know how to deal with people.” But what we think doesn't really matter. It's the other person who has to deal with us. We can think we're wonderful all day long, but in the end, if the other person doesn't think so, we're deceiving ourselves. Of course not everyone will think you're great 100% of the time. You might have the best of intentions, and you might even behave exactly as you should have, and sometimes someone will still be offended. You can't please everyone all of the time, but you can try. And by doing so perhaps you can be pleasing to a majority, a majority of the time.

Try!

Success in a given endeavor is achieved by those who try to succeed. (In this context, the word “try” should be understood as being synonymous with action—with exerting the actions necessary to accomplish an objective.) Yet sometimes we think it's “too soon,” or that we're “not ready,” or that there's no point in taking action because we'll probably “fail.” But what is the real downside here? What is the worst that could happen? More often than not there is little to lose by trying, and a great deal to gain if successful. If that is indeed the case, by all means try!

TalentSmart Articles

I've followed TalentSmart since I first read The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book back in 2005. Their work has been instrumental in developing my understanding of emotional intelligence as well as the impact it can have on a person. They keep an up-to-date list of their published "newsletter articles" on their website, and many of them are well worth perusing if you have a moment.

On Being Active

I was in the process of deleting some of my old bookmarked web pages when I came across this article, which gives a brief account of the passing of the then oldest living man—Walter Breuning—who was 114 and 205 days at the time of his death in April 2011. What stood out to me was that Breuning seems to credit his longevity to staying active, stating: “Everybody says your mind is the most important thing about your body. Your mind and your body. You keep both busy, and by God you’ll be here a long time.”

Perhaps you too have noticed that those who live a long time—aside from generally having good genetics—always tend to keep themselves busy. They always seem to be in the process of doing something. You don't find them sitting alone in a room staring out a window for hours on end. You don't find them enjoying a daily TV-induced coma. What you do find is a person engaged in some form of activity. Be it reading or writing, or working on hobbies, or participating in social activities or ministries, or cooking or crocheting. You find a person engaged, not idle.

I have often wondered about people who fantasize about “doing nothing.” Are they serious? Do they really want to do nothing? Sometimes I find myself wishing I was doing something other-than whatever I happen to be doing, but surely I want to be doing something as opposed to doing nothing. It seems that life and activity are inextricably related. Be active—live. Do nothing—die.

The Deception of Positive Thinking, Part V

This is the fifth and final post in the series titled “The Deception of Positive Thinking.” If you have not read the first, second, third, or fourth posts, I encourage you to do so before continuing. In the fourth post we discussed a correct way to cognitively respond to negative or undesirable circumstances. All that remains is to emphasize the importance of taking action.

There is a fable which tells of two birds sitting on a fence post, when before long, one bird decides to fly away. The question is then asked, how many birds remain sitting on the fence post? The answer: two. This simple story illustrates a distinction that can be made between decision and action: It is one thing to decide to do something, it is another to actually do it. Action is the ultimate defining factor in creating positive results. Decisions without action are dead. The woman from our story may conclude that, in order to solve the problem, either the relationship must change or she should leave. It will not help that she has become aware of her situation, or even dug deep to find a probable solution to remedy it, if she, in the end, does not act. If she fails to act on her convictions, nothing will happen, the situation will continue and she will remain unhappy. Positive results can only be created through action. Without action, without movement—nothing moves—and therefore nothing changes.

It must also be stated that with all forms of action come potential failures. We may not solve our problems completely in our first attempt. It may take time, it may take persistence. There are learning curves that correspond to all forms of action, especially when we first begin something. Failure is only failure if accepted as such. The reality is that all problems and difficulties can be solved in one way or another. With action, persistence, and the willingness to learn, anything is possible.

In review:

An analysis of “The Deception of Positive Thinking” can be found here and here.

The steps needed to guard against or overcome “The Deception of Positive Thinking” may be summarized as follows:

Step 1: Awareness (see the third post).

Become aware of your circumstances.

Step 2: Response (see the fourth post).

Respond to undesirable circumstances by asking questions and looking for answers.

Step 3: Action (stated above).

Support the answers to your questions with sufficient action.

Happiness and Gratitude

Bill Vallicella, who runs the blog Maverick Philosopher, recently posted the following on gratitude:

Every day find something to be grateful for.

It might be the regularity of nature. Without it, how would you make coffee? And then there is coffee itself and its wonderful taste. What a marvelous, yet harmless, drug! And then there are the thoughts that percolate up under its agency. There are so many of them swarming and demanding attention. Some are even worth writing down. Your notebooks lay ready: they weren't destroyed during the night. And the pens too. Your fingers are supple and free of arthritis. And there is your library of books, thousands of them, to supply you with thought- and blog-fodder . . . .

But if you want to be miserable you should be able to find something to kvetch about.

Now, I happen to relate a great deal to the fact that Bill is grateful for things like coffee and its effects, notebooks and pens, books and thoughts. (In fact I doubt I could have said it better myself.) You might not relate to such things at all. But finding something to be grateful for isn't too hard if you stop and think about it. It seems to me that the most grateful people (those who have developed the habit of regularly reflecting on the things they're thankful for) also tend to be the happiest, the most flexible, and the least likely to hazard an emotional "sawed-off-shotgun" in their social dealings. Don't wait for Thanksgiving to think about the things you're thankful for. Do so on a daily basis.

The Deception of Positive Thinking, Part IV

This is the fourth post in the series titled “The Deception of Positive Thinking.” If you have not read the first, second, or third posts, I encourage you to do so before continuing. In the previous post we discussed how we can increase our overall self-awareness, so as to begin working to minimize self-deception. At present, we will concern ourselves with the next step. Namely, how to mentally respond to our increased self-awareness.

The protagonist of our story responds to her reality by shifting focus from her dilemma onto the noble ideal of positive thinking. There is nothing wrong with finding the positive aspects of a given circumstance per se. However, problems may arise when a person is solely focused on seeking the positive aspects of a situation, because they will tend to ignore their ability to better the situation itself. As we have seen, the purpose of positive thinking is to create positive results. This means responding to adversity in ways that create positive outcomes. But responding by solely focusing on the positive aspect of an otherwise horrible situation does nothing but prolong the existence and magnitude of the situation itself. It is with this in mind that we must learn how to properly respond to our awareness of our undesirable situations.

After becoming more aware of our words, whether internal or spoken, we may begin to see evidence of undesirable situations in our lives. At this point, many people turn away from what they see and focus on a “positive aspect” of their situation—they respond to their reality by habitually focusing on something else. As stated above, this type of response only serves to provide a temporary relief at the expense of allowing the problem to continue indefinitely. It is also at this point (when we become aware of an undesirable situation), that we are given the opportunity to respond properly—but how? By asking questions. When you ask questions, your mind will begin working to supply you with answers. It may only take a few minutes or it may take a few weeks, but nonetheless, your mind will provide you with probable solutions.

Return to the words that clued you in on a specific situation. Suppose the woman from our story became aware of herself saying: “I hate my life” or “I'm so unhappy.” What type of question should she ask that will help start her on the path to solving her problem? She should begin by asking herself: “Why?” “Why do I hate my life?” “Why am I so unhappy?” We know her relationship is a large part of her unhappiness. If she is honest with herself, she will eventually conclude, in one way or another, that she hates her life or is unhappy because she doesn't like the way she is being treated. It is at this point she might continue by asking: “What type of situation would I like to exist in place of the one that I hate?” The woman must conclude that she would either prefer to no longer be in a relationship or be in relationship with a man who treats her with respect and dignity. A final question must be asked as well: “What can I do about it?” “How can I solve this problem?” “Is there anything I can do to create the situation I want?” In posing these questions to ourselves, we must always employ the word “I," thereby focusing on what we can do, as opposed to what someone else can or should do. What can we do to create a suitable situation? We don't have control over other people—only ourselves—and if we attempt to solve a problem by trying to change another person, we're destined to fail. In response to the words you hear yourself say or think, ask yourself:

1. Why? Why do I think or feel this way? (Identify what exists.)
2. What situation would I like to exist in place of this one? (Identify what could exist.)
3. What can I do about it? How can I solve this problem? (Identify how you can create the situation you want. Note: There is always something you can do to better a situation.)

In the previous post it was suggested to pay close attention to and consider what other people say about you. How therefore should you respond to the observations made by other people? Again, by asking similar questions:

1. Is it possible that this observation is true? (Identify what exists.)
2. If it is true, what situation would I like to exist in place of this one? (Identify what could exist.)
3. If it is true, what can I do about it? How can I correct it? (Identify how you can create the situation you want.)

News and Updates

I want to apologize for my recent lapse in activity. My wife and I have been in the process of moving, and are just now beginning to get settled in at our new place. I've only moved three times in my life but I always seem to forget what a pain it is to move. The unforeseen problems, extra expenses, unpacking, not to mention the tasks of packing and actually moving from A to B. Thankfully the hard parts are behind us and I will once again resume posting in the near future. To my surprise, the site actually hasn't suffered a loss in traffic as plenty of older posts are still being read.

Now for some updates.

CurrClick has the digital-only version of Life n' Leadership on sale through August 24^th for only $4.99! The physical program has been discounted as well for $29.95! Free shipping is also available through Amazon.com. More news coming soon!

Childish Emotions

When I was a young child in elementary school I didn't ride the bus. Rather, my mom would drive me to school in the morning and pick me up after. But she wasn't always on time. And I just happened to be one of those kids, who, if their ride happened to be late, would assume the absolute worst. Thus, I have many memories of myself standing by the entrance of the school, pacing back and forth, keeping a close eye on the street, wondering if my mom had forgot about me, or got in a car accident, or if our house had burned to the ground, or something fantastic like that. Needless to say, I would let my imagination run wild with every possible “what if” scenario—driving myself to the very edges of sanity—only to reemerge on the other side, intensely relieved, when she finally showed up.

As I grew older my emotional reactions shifted a bit. For example, if I happened to be waiting for my mom to pick me up from somewhere, I would often find myself irritated or even angered that she was “making me wait.” No longer would I assume the worst—no longer would I have visions of the end of my life as I knew it—now I was taking it personally. After all, what else did she have to do in life besides drive me around wherever and whenever I wanted?

Looking back I realize that in both situations I blindly reacted to what was happening. I made no conscious decisions, I acted automatically. I allowed my emotions to get the best of me, and I went with them effortlessly. It was an easy road to take. But it didn't help me at all. My “visions of death” from elementary school can be largely attributed to childhood imagination and ignorance, but the irritation and anger displayed when I was older cannot be rationalized so easily.

Sometime during my first year of college, my car broke down, and my mom once again had to drive me to class and pick me up. And once again she was late, and I was left sitting there waiting. I remember thinking to myself, “Is this really worth getting angry over?” “Isn't it possible for me to just sit here and patiently wait?” “What am I really gaining by getting all worked up over this?” I figured I would try it, that is, deliberately not get irritated or upset. To my surprise, it actually worked. I sat there, at peace with the situation, amazed and astounded. It was a defining moment when I learned that my emotional reactions are within my power to control. And that things work out a heck of a lot better when I don't allow myself to get emotionally hijacked.

You may have had a similar experience, or maybe you haven't—yet. If not, try it. You might surprise yourself.

The Deception of Positive Thinking, Part III

This is the third post in “The Deception of Positive Thinking” series. If you have not read the first or second post, I encourage you to do so before continuing. As we have seen, the deception of positive thinking describes the tendency of “positive thinkers” to focus on a positive aspect of a given situation while simultaneously ignoring their ability to correct the situation itself. While it is one thing to read a story or article, it is quite another to incorporate it directly into our lives. We must therefore begin exploring what can be done to conquer the deception of positive thinking, should we suffer from it.

The first thing we must do is increase our awareness of ourselves and our circumstances. The woman from our story is obviously not aware that she is perpetuating the very circumstance that is responsible for her unhappiness. Although her words conveyed unhappiness, she was not completely aware of what she said. Her first step then, insofar as positive thinking is concerned, is to work toward becoming aware of her reality. Here are a few suggestions that may be useful for those seeking to gain a greater level of self-awareness:

Listen To Yourself When You Talk

The words used and the way they are used can give enormous insight into the realities of ones life. Listen for words and tones that may indicate dissatisfaction or unhappiness. What do you hear yourself say out-loud or to other people? Examples include:

• “I hate my life.”
• “It's not worth it.”
• “My boss is a moron.”
• “That's impossible.”
• “What's the point?”

Pay Attention To Your Internal Dialog

Developing the habit of listening to our internal dialog is a vital step in becoming more self-aware. Internal dialog is simply what you say to yourself mentally. If your spoken words are similar to those listed above, chances are your internal dialog will be even less admirable. Most of us are much harder on ourselves mentally. What do you say when you talk to yourself? Examples include:

• “I'm so unhappy.”
• “I hate myself.”
• “I feel so useless.”
• “I'm fat.”
• “I'm unattractive.”

Listen To What Other People Say To You

When one is given advice about something, the natural response is to become defensive. The woman in our story was very defensive if anything was asked regarding her relationship. However, just because an observation comes from another person (instead of you) doesn't mean it's wrong. In fact, listening to the observations and opinions of others can grant huge insight into our lives. How many people have tried to talk to the woman in our story about her relationship? How would her life be different now if she had realized the truth of her situation years ago? Pay attention to what other people say to you (don't just blow it off), it may be worthy of consideration.

An increased awareness of oneself and one's circumstances is the first step toward conquering the deception of positive thinking. We will discuss additional steps in the near future.

Understanding Your Tendencies: Lesson IX

At the end of each lesson in The Catalyst of Confidence there is a short section entitled “Understanding Your Tendencies.” These sections are composed of a series of questions designed to help the reader understand and apply some of the information that was conveyed during the lesson. What follows is my commentary on these questions from Lesson IX: Emotion and Intelligence.

1. Are you angered easily?

Another way to phrase this question would be “Do little things in life tend to hijack you emotionally?” If they do—and they do for many people—it is because you have developed the habit of responding to specific “triggers” by getting emotionally upset. Of course you probably don't think they are “little things” in the first place: those of us who are regular passengers on the emotional roller-coaster think everything is a “big deal.” But when we get down to the bottom of things, very few of them are as big of a deal as we first perceive them to be.

2. Do you throw temper-tantrums, even though you're an adult?

Take a moment to recall a young child throwing a temper-tantrum. Does this help the child in any way? Even if they succeed in getting their way (via a nearby parent or adult), the same behavior carried into adulthood is nothing short of pitiful. Again, people who throw temper-tantrums do so because they have simply developed the habit of doing so. (I am referring here to those who are genuinely upset and not merely trying to get attention.)

3. Do you hate anyone or does anyone hate you?

This question actually deserves a post of its own, which will be forthcoming.

4. How do you normally respond when you are overcome with emotions?

When you feel a strong emotion (anger, despair, sadness, etc.), what is your normal response? Is it beneficial or does it cause problems for you? How can you improve?

5. Have you ever said or done something unintentionally?

We often act without thinking, and in that sense our action may have been unintentional. Many times our emotions make it difficult for us to think clearly about what we are doing, and seemingly determine our actions as a result. If you have ever apologized to someone by saying something like “I don't know what happened—I was just really angry,” you know that emotions can easily override clear thinking. Indeed many people will outright pardon someone's behavior if they know that the person was “angry,” or “upset.” But despite this, we do have the ability to control how we respond to our emotions. Emotional intelligence is a skill, and it can be developed by anyone.

• If you could relive the situation would you respond differently?
  This question refers to Question #5 above. Needless to say, many (if not most) of the things you have done unintentionally you would probably do-over if you could.

6. Do you ever pay attention to your body's physical responses when you are overcome with emotions?

See: Are You Emotional?

7. Do you have a tendency to overreact when things don't go as planned?

A lot of people do this, but that isn't a good reason to be consoled. Pay attention to your emotions when something goes wrong. Pay attention to how you respond to them. Put some effort into analyzing your behavior. How can you improve? Also see: A Quick Observation.

Treating Persons as Persons

Have you ever walked through the entrance of a grocery store only to find some desperate promoter or sales agent waiting to ambush you? I'm not talking about girl scouts or Christmas charity collections (among others). They tend to be more laid back about what they're doing. I'm talking about someone representing a business who is using the entrance of a grocery store as a means of generating business. They're out to make money, and that's why they're in ambush-mode.

I recently encountered such a person at the local grocery store. Presumably her purpose for being there was to generate sales-leads for some company. (If you don't know, a sales-lead is basically the contact information of a potential customer or client.) This is usually how it works: You have people fill out a card with their contact information; address, email, phone number, maybe all of the above. In return, the person filling out the card is given some incentive to do so, such as "your name will be entered to win a free vacation or $1,000 shopping spree," or something like that. Thus, the company representative is able to generate a list of potential clients/customers for her company to follow up with, while the potential client/customer feels satisfied with being entered to win the moon. What I have just described is exactly what I encountered. But how do you suppose this woman approached me to fill out a card?

It's been my experience that people will generally begin by telling you who they represent and what the heck they are doing cornering you in the partition between the electronic sliding doors of a grocery store. It should be no surprise that they have a better chance of your cooperating if they treat you like a person. There is another school of thought, however, which basically says that people will do what you tell them to do, so just tell them what it is what you want them to do and most of them will do it without question (I know this because I have worked in sales and studied sales extensively). The woman I encountered opted for the latter.

It seemed like she was already in my face before I even had time to breathe. She didn't look me in the eye at all, she didn't tell me who she represented, she didn't tell me what she was doing there. She simply pointed at me and, handing me a card, said rather impatiently, "Here, fill this out!" She acted like I was under arrest and she was charged with taking down my personal information, almost like it was my duty to fill out the card and that I had better hurry up. "Here's a pen," she added. "Put down your name, address, phone num..." "No thanks," I said, and walked away.

Now I'm normally pretty polite to these people, and, depending on what the situation is, will often fill out a card. It all depends on how they approach me. You're probably the same way. Maybe you won't always do what they ask, but sometimes you will, and it probably comes down to how they treat you. This woman treated me like I was a robot, like I was inhuman. I wasn't told what was going on, I was told to fill out a card, a card with my personal information on it. As a result, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with whatever it was she was doing. Suppose instead that she politely told me what she was doing and then asked for my cooperation? Maybe I would still have said no, but wouldn't she have at least treated me like a human being?

Regardless of who you are interacting with, always remember that you are dealing with a person, a person who has their own life circumstances, their own struggles and hardships, and their own hopes and dreams. And you can never go wrong by treating them with dignity and respect.

The Deception of Positive Thinking, Part II

This is the second post in “The Deception of Positive Thinking” series. If you have not read the first post, I encourage you to do so before continuing. Picking up where we left off, let us now examine exactly what “positive thinking” is:

A proper understanding of positive thinking is based on the following concepts:

1. What currently exists. i.e., the reality of a given situation.
2. What could exist. i.e., the reality that could or should exist within the context of a given situation.
3. The knowledge that one has the ability to alter or change one's circumstances.

In light of these concepts we are better able understand what it means to think positively: First, we must consciously accept and acknowledge the truth of a given situation or reality. At the same time we must understand what could exist in place of such a situation or reality, especially if it is not what we desire. Lastly, we must realize that our ability to act enables us to potentially change such circumstances from what does exist to what could exist. Hence, positive thinking is the ability to accurately discern the reality of a given situation, irrespective of how “negative” it may be, while simultaneously apprehending what could or should exist in its place, and further still understanding that one has the ability to alter or change such situations for the better.

It is a sad fact that many people are not willing to come to even the most basic understanding of a negative situation before (perhaps subconsciously) seeking to avoid it and shift their focus to something of a more pleasant nature. But positive thinking does not seek to avoid reality, even if it happens to be negative. Rather, it seeks to expose the true nature of reality: that despite negative situations, all individuals, through action, have the ability to alter or change their circumstances. People may not be aware they have this ability, nor believe they possess it. But the fact remains: if there is a part of your life that you are not satisfied with, it is within your ability to change it. Truth will be truth, regardless of any one persons ignorance or refusal to believe.

In common practice, positive thinking is often synonymous with simply focusing on the positive rather than the negative aspects of a given situation. Individuals, however, cannot ignore the reality that they themselves have the ability to change these situations to begin with. The woman from our story is obviously in a rather destitute plight. Yet, rather than choosing to focus on a very few positive aspects of a relatively horrible situation, why not change the situation itself? After all, while the vast majority of “positive thinkers” are running around avoiding the negative and focusing on the positive, they are not necessarily improving their lot in life. If positive thinking is concerned with results, why not work to create the results she wants? Why not work to create the life she desires? Why not take steps to improve her relationship, and if this fails—leave—and search out the love she desires? As far as anyone has shown, we only get one shot at life—why live so miserably? It may seem insurmountable for her to confront him, but is it not a small price to pay, especially after taking into account the probable future years of loneliness and sorrow?

The Deception of Positive Thinking, Part I

“I'm really starting to think positively.” “It's very important that everyone stay focused on the positive.” “People are so negative—I focus on the positive.” We have all heard statements of this nature. In fact, the term “positive thinking” has recently become a staple of popular American culture. But in spite of its popularity, more and more people display a general lack of understanding in regard to what truly defines positive thinking. It seems many people, despite their good intentions, allow positive thinking to act as a kind of enabler in blocking out reality, under the guise they must “focus on the positive.”

Recently I met a woman who is involved in a terrible relationship with a man. She deals with constant verbal abuse, disrespect, criticism and a plethora of little “rules” which she must abide by or suffer the consequences. This woman openly shows, through her words and actions, that she is extremely unhappy and has been for the entire duration of her four year relationship. But the worse her relationship gets, the more she seems to cling to and defend it. When asked why she allows her relationship to continue she quickly replies: “Well, I'm really starting to focus on the positive now. It's very important that I stay focused on the positive.” Any questions asked, which may have the effect of exposing her relationship for what it is, are quickly swatted aside in a torrent of “positive thinking” clichés.

My conversation with this woman illustrates a greatly misconstrued application of positive thinking, which unfortunately, describes many people I've met who espouse their commitment to it. After examining the facts of this story we find that:

1. Due to the circumstances of her relationship, this woman is not happy.
2. Questioning the quality of her relationship causes her to assume a defensive position.
3. Her defensive position indicates her resistance to the reality of her situation.
4. Her commitment to, what she calls positive thinking, allows her to quickly shift her focus from her reality onto more pleasant “positive” things.
5. This constant shift in focus serves to perpetuate the circumstance that ultimately constitutes the primary cause of her unhappiness.

In the context of this story we see that, under the guise that “I must focus on the positive,” positive thinking is being used as a tool to blatantly deny reality. As a result, this woman's situation continues unacknowledged and unaddressed. Positive thinking, as she is using it, may serve as a temporary “band-aid,” but will inevitably, over time, only increase the magnitude of her difficulties. This is no way to live, nor is it a correct application of positive thinking.

Positive thinking is fundamentally concerned with one thing: results. Results are the measuring sticks of truth and likewise the effectiveness of positive thinking must be judged by the results it creates. And what is the result of this application of positive thinking? The preservation of her relationship, exactly as it currently exists, which is the problem to begin with. This is no different than the hypothetical situation of an ostrich burying its head in sand in order to avoid the unpleasantness of an approaching lion. In either case, both are moving toward a more detrimental end.

(Companion posts here, here, here, and here.)

Legislation Over Education

My wife recently brought this article to my attention. To summarize, it describes an initiative posed by a rather conservative citizen of the small town of Middleborough, Mass., who apparently has it out for the local potty mouths. If her proposal is adopted, it would basically grant the "police the power to issue $20 civil tickets to anyone who publicly 'accosts' another person verbally with profanity."

I don't care to comment on this politically, or polemically, for that matter. Rather, I wish to discuss something that humanity seems to trend toward in general. Let's call it "legislation over education." What I mean by this is that we as citizens have a tendency to observe things in society that we deem to be wrong, and maybe such things are wrong. However, rather than seeking to educate people in how and why something may be hazardous or morally wrong, it seems that our first impulse or response is to resort to some form of legislation. That is, we seek to pass laws--to ban things or force compliance.

But why is it that we as a society tend to resort first to legislation rather than education? Is it not better to explain why something is potential hazardous or morally wrong than it is to simply deem it illegal? Does forcing or coercing a person to comply with a moral standard make them a moral person? Why are we more apt to ban a person's behavior than we are to teach them how to behave? Are we really solving problems by merely passing laws? I do not mean to imply that legislation is unnecessary. It just seems to me that a great deal of that which we seek through legislation could be better accomplished with the right education.

Life n' Leadership Price Reduction

Beginning today, and for the remainder of the month of June, prices for the Life n' Leadership Self-Study Program will be reduced. On both lifenleadership.com, and amazon.com, prices have been reduced from $79.95 to $49.95. The price on CurrClick, where the program may be downloaded digitally, has also been reduced from $49.95 to $29.95.

Understanding Your Tendencies: Lesson VIII

At the end of each lesson in The Catalyst of Confidence there is a short section entitled “understanding your tendencies.” These sections are composed of a series of questions designed to help the reader understand and apply some of the information that was conveyed during the lesson. What follows is my commentary on these questions from Lesson VIII: Self-Deception and Learning.

1. How often do you reflect on your life (decisions, thoughts, actions, habits, beliefs, etc.)?

Thinking about your life is one of the best things (if not the best thing) you can do to improve yourself. By developing an awareness of your thoughts, decisions, actions, habits, and the causal relationships they involve, you provide yourself with a better understanding of right action. You can course correct. You can learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others. You can make better decisions in the future. But you must have the willingness to soberly look yourself in mirror and face your faults and failings.

2. Are you ever 100% certain that you are right and someone else is wrong?

Some things are certain. 2 + 2 = 4, for instance, is something that few people should dispute, provided they understand elementary mathematics. Many things, however, are not certain. They might be probable or likely, but not absolutely certain. The problem with being certain that you're right isn't that you can't know whether or not you're right. The problem is that you will soon begin assuming that you're right and the other person is wrong. The danger in assuming is that you stop thinking critically, opting to simply believe that your view is the correct one. Put differently, assuming we're right creates blind spots in our thinking, ultimately putting us in danger of deceiving ourselves.

3. Do you doubt your own abilities?

It's surprising how often we doubt ourselves when we have no good reason to. Was that low test score really evidence of your lack of ability? Are you so sure that it's not worth your time to go on that interview? Most people overestimate the abilities of other people while underestimating their own. Take a chance. You just might surprise yourself.

4. Are you honest with yourself?

Some people struggle a great deal with being honest with themselves. Fearing that, by honestly evaluating their life, they might find something they cannot bear. But if you wish to better yourself and your life, you must face the truth. If you don't, you merely prevent potential progress and keep yourself locked in check. If you do, even if it can be seemingly unbearable, you provide yourself with the opportunity to learn and grow.

5. Do you ever make excuses to yourself?

“There wasn't anything else I could have done!” “I wouldn't have done X if so-and-so didn't do Y!” The habit of making excuses is riddled with danger. When you start creating alibis to excuse your behavior, it can be very easy to lose sight of the things that you are responsible for. It's very easy to fall into the trap of avoiding responsibility, even when you're the one who is responsible. Regardless of the circumstances, you can convince yourself it's not your fault, and believe it to the core. But doing so will profit you nothing, unless you wish to be the perpetual victim of chance and happenstance.

6. Do you make decisions based on immediate or long-term desires?

Poor decisions are often solely based on immediate desires. Good decisions generally take into account long-term desires. You may think it will make you happy to eat cake at every meal. But it won't take very long for such consumptive habits to catch up with you. You may think that procrastinating is fine, right up until you regret your procrastination. Think about your actions and their consequences. And think about their long-term ramifications.

7. Have you ever thought you were better than someone else?

I'm not asking whether you have thought you were better than another person at something specific, like tennis or golf. I'm asking if you have ever thought you were better than someone else—period. If so, you're deceiving yourself. When you think you're better than another person, you tend to assume you're right and they're wrong. You inadvertently turn off your ability to think. You act and reason on the basis of assumption rather than fact. See also #2.

8. Do you ever try to run away from your problems?

If you do, you're deceiving yourself (surprise!). You're like the hypothetical ostrich that buries its head in the sand when it sees something it fears. Does ignoring your problems really make them disappear altogether? Or does it simply delay the inevitable? And though you try to force your problems from your conscious mind, are they not always with you? Quietly waiting, in the shadows of your mind? Would it not be better to begin addressing them? You are only cheating yourself by pretending they don't exist.

Quantitative vs Qualitative Goods

Getting good grades, winning competitions, and receiving awards are all examples of things we have sought. They are all things which our society sees as good and worthy of pursuit, and rightly so. But these things largely derive their social status from the fact that they are quantitative. Academic grades, competitions, and awards, are, for the most part, based on a measurable system of scoring. Notwithstanding the varying situations and circumstances, the best or highest scorers are generally the winners. We know who ranks where, and what the results are.

But many of the most important things in life do not share the same admiration in the public forum. Things like learning, wisdom, personal growth, confidence, and one's ability to deal with failure, for example, do not share the same social esteem. And though few of us would personally dispute that such things are indeed more valuable and beneficial, we, as a society, tend to ignore them. Why is this? One reason could be that while the former examples are measurable and quantitative, the latter are largely intangible and qualitative. It is less clear who ranks where, and what the real results are.

The Path of Least Resistance

There's an old adage which says “taking the path of least resistance is what causes all rivers and some men to become crooked.” There is perhaps no better way to destroy your life than developing the habit of taking the path of least resistance. It's true that flowing water will always take such a path, it has no choice. But we do have a choice. And it is our choices which largely determine the results in our life.

What Might Have Been?

We as human beings have a tendency to look back on our past experiences and lament the fact that we could have done something differently. “If only I had done X, how my life would be different!” This form of reflection is beneficial as long as we use it to learn from past mistakes in order to make better choices in the future. But to the degree such hindsight is used to brood and wallow over, with a kind of “what might have been?” self-pity, it is destructive. Such behavior inhibits a person's ability to change and plants seeds of despair in their mind. Failure is not always fatal, but failing to change might be.

Now Available in Europe!

I am pleased to announce that The Catalyst of Confidence is now available in Europe! Amazon is now offering the book through their European sales channels in England, France, Germany, Spain, and Italy. Books purchased in Europe are still published in English. No translated editions are currently available.

Why Do You Think What You Think?

If and when you make assertions, be prepared to defend them. If you can't explain why you think what you think, then why do you think it in the first place?

The Power of Ideas and Human Action

Anything that has been brought into existence by human ingenuity can be traced back in time to two things: 1) an idea, and 2) a person or persons. The immaterial reality of ideas precedes the material reality of created things. A house exists in the mind of an architect before it exists as a physical structure. A business can be traced to the ideas and inspirations of its founders. It is the ideas which we harbor in our minds and subsequently act upon that shape our futures. What ideas are you harboring?

A Quick Follow Up

You may have noticed that the previous post was written in rather harsh and insulting prose. Hopefully you didn't take it as an invitation to rush off to the nearest known “serial-venter” and tell them exactly what you just read. To be sure, you should rarely, if ever, be as direct with someone in a one-on-one situation (depending on factors such as your level of influence with them, their willingness to listen, their personality-type, etc.). You can sometimes, however, get away with it while teaching or lecturing, during a speech, or on a blog, for example, as the audience is much less likely to take it personally (although you will almost always offend some people). This is usually because they think the speaker is talking to someone other than them. When reading the previous post, for instance, you may have found yourself thinking something like “so-and-so needs to hear this!” On the other hand, you may have been seriously offended, or even angered, by what was said.

Though the topics associated with the previous post are “Likability,” “People Skills,” and “Tactfulness,” the post itself, mainly due to its harsh tone, does not embody these qualities. This, I suppose, is a bit of a paradox, and perhaps even ironic. But it should be emphasized that the post was not meant to be likable or tactful in itself, but rather, was meant to illustrate the point (admittedly in blunt fashion) that using one's problems as conversation pieces, ice breakers, or dead air removers, particularly with people you are not close friends with, is indeed a very unlikable thing. It is a quality that pushes people away and deducts value from them.

Some Derogatory Remarks on "Venting"

People don't need to know about your problems. Keep such things to yourself. Stop lurking around for a fresh victim to lambast with your sorrows. If you need to talk, do so with a close friend, but don't develop the habit of venting to whoever will listen. People may tolerate your lamentations politely, but will disappear when the opportunity presents itself, thankful to slip away. Serial-venters are like the grim reaper, wandering about, darkening the rooms they enter, killing plants and leaving corpses in their wake. Such people are, if possible, avoided, and if not, dreaded. No one enjoys keeping company with an emotional vampire who sucks the life out of them. Talk to yourself, or your pet if you must, but avoid spreading your misery among the populace. People don't need to know about your problems. Keep such things to yourself, or better yet, solve them.

(Companion post: A Quick Follow Up.)

More Thoughts On The Fear of Failure

As a quick follow up to the previous post, I would like to make some further comments on the question: Are you afraid to fail?

Fear, as we know from Lesson VI, is a state of mind which ultimately results in inaction. The fear of failure is no exception. When we are afraid to fail, we will often respond by avoiding activities that may result in failure. It seems to me, however, that the implications of such behavior would likely, in the end, be far worse than failing (or the risk of failing) would have been.

When we are afraid to fail, we will (unless we choose to act despite being afraid) only involve ourselves in activities which we believe to be nonthreatening, that is, activities in which we expect to succeed. But such activities will mostly consist of things we have already done and already succeeded in doing. Thus, if we indulge and encourage our fear of failure, we are essentially jeopardizing our ability to do things which we have not yet done. Why? Because such things would surely involve the possibility of failure. The implications of this should be obvious: a person will avoid nearly all risk taking, thereby undermining their ability to accomplish their goals and dreams (assuming they have goals and dreams).

Ask: How did I ever do anything for the very first time? Did I risk the possibility of failure? You did. And you can do it again. Besides, even if you fail, at least you have something to work with and build upon: you can identify causes of failure, try again, and persist your way to success. On the other hand, the person who, out of fear of failure, fails to act, has nothing to work with, nor can they accomplish anything. The life which has already done everything it is going to do has already been lived. Is it really worth being afraid?

Understanding Your Tendencies: Lesson VII

At the end of each lesson in The Catalyst of Confidence there is a short section entitled “understanding your tendencies.” These sections are composed of a series of questions designed to help the reader understand and apply some of the information that was conveyed during the lesson. What follows is my commentary on these questions from Lesson VII: Failure and Adversity.

1. Are you afraid to fail?

As described in the lesson, most of us are afraid to fail. This is often because we have learned to view failure as an indictment on who we are: When we fail, we see it as definitive proof that we're no good at something, or perhaps no good in general. But when we realize that failure is a natural learning process; that it is something we must tolerate as we advance from #1 to #4 in The Four Stages of Learning (which applies to everything we actively do), we should realize that evaluating ourselves on the basis of failure is absurd. Also, see Question #6 below.

2. Have you ever believed that some people were always good at what they do?

When we see a person who is exceptionally good at something, it's easy to assume that they've always been good at it. Such people are often described as being “gifted” or “talented.” And, unfortunately, that's how most people view them. But while it may be true that a person can possess a certain amount of natural ability or talent, it is wrong to assume that they are as good as they are solely because of talent. To be sure, raw talent can only take a person so far, beyond which, other factors come into play. The very best of the best, in whichever field, are as good as they are, not necessarily because of talent, but because they wanted to be the best, and were willing to learn how to do it. The person who has a burning desire and the willingness to learn will, almost always, outperform the person who possess great natural talent, but has a weak desire/willingness to learn. Stephen King's quote from Lesson X seems appropriate: “Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work and study.” It's also worth remembering that, at one time, the best of the best were in a position where they had never done what they are now known for doing. Further reading: See Process and Product in Lesson VII.

3. How do you respond when you fail?

When things don't go as you expect (assuming, of course, you aren't expecting to fail), how do you react? Do you analyze, adjust, and try again? Or do you throw a fit and whine like a young child? There are really only two responses to failure: persist or give up.

4. Do you let other people's opinions determine what you attempt to do?

It's easy to measure your life against standards imposed on you by other people. Consider a child who has no desire to play (say) baseball, but who plays nonetheless, because his father wants him to. When we're young, we don't have much say in such situations. But when we grow up we do. Yet many adults continue to make important decisions, not on the basis of their own values, but on the basis of the values of others. Consider the attorney who went to law school because that's what her parents wanted, rather than what she wanted. In addition, “other people” have a tendency to always point out what “can't be done.” It is, in many ways, a tragedy that so many dreams are snuffed out by the arrogant and often baseless criticisms made by one's contemporaries.

5. Can you think of something good that came about as a result of something you initially thought was bad?

This question fits closely with Napoleon Hill's famous saying: “Every adversity, every failure and every heartache carries with it the Seed of an equivalent or greater Benefit.” The key to doing this is looking for the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit. No experience is worthless, unless you let it pass without learning something from it.

6. Do you associate your self-worth with your failures or mistakes?

See Failure and the Evaluation of Self.