Childhood Beliefs

In his book What To Say When You Talk To Yourself, behavioral researcher Shad Helmstetter recalls an experience from childhood:

I still remember the time when, as a grade school student, I wanted more than anything I could think of to play a musical instrument and be a member of the school band. Along with ten or twelve other students from my school class, I decided to try out for the band. After being handed a completely alien musical instrument and trying to get it to make music in front of the band instructor, my class teacher, and the other students, I was dismissed.

I knew that I had not done well. But it was an hour later, after the last student of the day had performed, that I overheard the band director telling my class teacher that not only could I not play in the band, but I had no musical ability and would never be able to play a musical instrument! What incredible programming for a twelve-year-old boy who had his heart set on learning how to play!

It worked. I heard, from someone else, that I had no musical ability and I believed it. I accepted as fact that I had no musical talent and that I never would. It wasn't until years later that I finally got up enough courage to rent a piano, learn some notes, and play it secretly when no one was around to remind me that I could not play. I never did develop the skill I wanted. But I learned, after some twenty frustrating years, that our school band director was wrong. And I had believed him.

As children, we often come to believe many things we are told by adults. But how much of what we were told, particularly about ourselves and our abilities, is true? Could it be that many of the things we have come to take for granted about ourselves—things we may have allowed to define or even limit us—are, in fact, false?

Some Thoughts on Reading (Nonfiction)

I have often heard the saying that “those who do not read have no advantage over those who cannot read.” But there seems to be no reason whatsoever to assume that this statement, as written at least, is true. Those people who don't read, that is, those who do not read anything beyond the essentials demanded by life, still can. They can read signs, bank statements, contracts, and communicate via the written word. So they obviously do have an advantage over those who cannot, and arguing otherwise seems patently absurd.

Defenders of this statement could retort that the statement is not intended to be interpreted literally, but rather metaphorically, and its meaning, though open to interpretation, falls more in the realm of “those who don't read, but are able to, limit their potential,” or perhaps “those who don't read are doomed to ignorance.” Fair enough I suppose. But if the progenitors of the preceding statement, whoever they are, did not intend the statement to be interpreted literally, perhaps they should have written it differently. Two possible alternatives have already been stated.

Notwithstanding my philosophical quibbles, however, the essence of the preceding statement does have some truth to it. Most of us are able to read, but not all of us use this capacity to our advantage, and few of us to the extent that we could. And in that sense, insofar as we do not read anything more than the basics demanded by modern life, we are no better off than the illiterate. In my view, the independent reading of nonfiction (in multiple subjects), in most cases, is one of the best ways to become educated. Unfortunately the majority of people do not engage in the systematic reading of nonfiction and are thus at a disadvantage when it comes to grappling with difficult issues, or even thinking clearly. Rather, it seems they prefer to adopt the views espoused by various media or academic sources (or a multitude of others), assume such sources are correct, and that's that—they've got their viewpoint. Or perhaps they ignore such things altogether, preferring idle pursuits and fashionable pleasures.

Without independent research and study (which is best accomplished by reading), a person cannot develop a mature understanding of the world around them, and will often be guided by misrepresentations, shallow caricatures, and fallacious arguments. Such persons will, according to their paradigm of the world, tend to favor the positions they naturally agree with, without any thought as to what other sources may have said on the matter. They generally have an opinion on almost everything, but if questioned, struggle to adequately defend it. This, it seems, is largely due to the fact that they develop such views “second hand,” that is, from a source they assume to be correct, as opposed to basing their views on careful study and analysis. In absence of the latter, it is exceedingly difficult to develop a firm grasp of important issues, and as a result, the interaction between antagonistic viewpoints is often fruitless. To hearken back to the opening statement of this post: Those who say much, but defend little, seem to have no advantage over those who know little. And why do they defend little or know little? One reason could be they don't read.

Why Bother With Emotional Intelligence?

Building on the foundation provided by the previous post, I would like to consider some implications which follow from developing strong communicative connections between the feeling and thinking parts of the brain. I concluded the previous post by stating that “a person may continue developing emotional intelligence until they are almost rationally unaffected by the presence of emotion in their life.” But why exactly should a person do this? How could such a thing benefit them? What impact would it have on their life?

If you have ever made an “emotional decision” or “gone off half cocked,” as the saying goes, and moreover have reflected on such things, you know that acting on the basis of pure emotion is rarely a good idea. Indeed, hindsight often reveals such emotional impulses to be, in the very least, less than beneficial. Assuming, of course, we did in fact act on them. Ask yourself: “Have I ever made an emotional decision and came to regret it?” Most of us, if we are honest, will admit to ourselves that we have. And that decision-making on the basis of pure emotion can be, and often is, hazardous and problematic, and can potentially have implications that reach far into the future and influence our lives for years to come.

The reason we should develop emotional intelligence and thereby strengthen the communicative paths between the feeling and thinking parts of our brain, is so we can minimize our emotion-based decisions and thereby minimize our “emogenic” problems. (The word “emogenic,” by the way, isn't a proper word. I coined it to better describe problems which originate from emotion-based-decision-making.) If we are able to think rationally about things while we experience strong emotions, we are far less likely to act on the basis of sheer emotional impulse. And if we are less likely to act on sheer emotional impulse, we place ourselves in a position to make better decisions and thus reap better results. In short, we should develop emotional intelligence because it will help us make better decisions and thereby live a better life.

The Physiology Behind Our Emotions

I highly recommend the work of Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves, and their respective research teams at TalentSmart®. Their books, The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book and Emotional Intelligence 2.0, continue to be sources of great and beneficial information for me.

Consider the following scanned-image-excerpt from Emotional Intelligence 2.0:

This image shows us the physical pathway of information in our brains. Information initially begins in our senses and enters our brain through our spinal cord, it then passes through the limbic system (where we feel emotion), before finally entering the prefrontal cortex (where we think rationally). What this means is that most of us tend to feel before we think. This also explains why we feel compelled to do certain things when we experience strong emotions. When this occurs, the feeling part of our brain often “overpowers” the thinking part and renders the latter almost useless until our emotions have subsided.

Emotional intelligence depends on the level of “communication” that exists between the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex, that is to say, it depends on the level of communication between the feeling and thinking parts of our brain. If we have developed strong communication between the feeling and thinking parts of our brain, we tend to be more able to think rationally about things while we are experiencing strong emotions. On the other hand, if little communication exists between the feeling and thinking parts of our brain, we tend to be unable to think rationally until the emotions are gone. Many people make resolutions when they are able to think rationally, but cannot seem to keep them when they experience strong emotions. Again, this results from a lack of communication between the feeling and thinking parts of the brain.

When a person seeks to develop emotional intelligence via self-awareness and self-management (as discussed in Lesson IX: Emotion and Intelligence in The Catalyst of Confidence), their brain begins opening up communicative neural-pathways between the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex. Put differently, when a person thinks about how they are feeling and how they are acting in response to that feeling, they start to open up communication between the feeling and thinking parts of their brain. The more they do this, the more neural-pathways develop, and the stronger the communication between the two respective parts of the brain becomes. Thus, over time, a person may continue developing emotional intelligence until they are almost rationally unaffected by the presence of emotion in their life.

Fear and Illness

In the previous post, I made the following remarks in response to the question: “Have you ever become mysteriously ill just before you had to do something you were afraid to do?”

Illness is actually a common symptom of fear, particularly among those who tend to really get themselves worked up over things. The mind definitely seems to have an affect on the body. But how does such a reaction come to be? Is there anything we can do to combat such a thing, should we suffer from it? It seems to me that this symptom could result from 1) the habit of avoiding fears, or 2) an extreme state of fear. If in the past, for instance, a given person has done, literally whatever they can do to get out of doing what they are afraid to do (or if they are terrified to do something), then, if no other option is available to help them avoid/alleviate their fear, their body could resort to illness. Now, this isn't to say that a person just “decides” to “get sick” when they realize there is no other alternative to avoiding their fear, though that is definitely a possibility. Rather, a person could unconsciously develop the symptoms of an illness in order to avoid a given fear. So what can we do about it?

To continue, consider the following.

When a person has developed the habit of facing their fears (acting in spite of their fear), the problem of becoming ill as a last resort can never arise (assuming their fear is not extreme). Such a person does not seek to avoid their fear at all. Rather, they seek to act, even though they may be afraid. On the other hand, the act of becoming ill in response to a fear is itself a mechanism of avoidance. It is a way of temporarily “getting out of it.” But, as mentioned above, if a person does not allow their fears to master them, if they act, despite being afraid, the problem of illness cannot arise. It's only when a person is looking for a way out that illness becomes an option. It seems then, that the symptom of becoming ill in response to fear, can only develop if we have first developed the habit of avoiding fears. But if we find we have developed such a habit, what can we do to change it?

Habits, as discussed in The Catalyst of Confidence, develop from repetitious actions. If we repeatedly seek to avoid our fears, we will develop the habit of doing so. Conversely, if we repeatedly act, despite being afraid, we will likewise develop such a habit. It should then be clear that a person, should they become ill in response to certain fears, must begin developing the habit of facing their fears. The best way to do this would be to start overcoming small fears and slowly work up to the larger ones. It may also prove helpful to review Lesson V: Action and Habit, and Lesson VI: Fear and Action.

Lastly, as mentioned above, illness could also result from an extreme state of fear. However, there seems to be little reason to consider such a thing. It seems to me that an extreme state of fear can result in one of two ways: Either 1) a person has avoided a relatively harmless fear to such an extent that they have “built it up” to be an extreme fear in their mind, or 2) a person is confronted by something that actually warrants an extreme state of fear (such as being hunted by a psychopath). The former is a result of developing the habit of avoiding fears (which was addressed above), while the latter is something that we really have no practical way of overcoming (unless, of course, we are regularly hunted by psychopaths and are thus able to become accustomed to such situations).

Understanding Your Tendencies: Lesson VI

At the end of each lesson in The Catalyst of Confidence there is a short section entitled “understanding your tendencies.” These sections are composed of a series of questions designed to help the reader understand and apply some of the information that was conveyed during the lesson. What follows is my commentary on these questions from Lesson VI: Fear and Action.

1. When was the last time you did something that was outside of your comfort zone?

Chances are you have done something, at some point in your life, that you were afraid to do. What was it? When was the last time you did this? What did it feel like?

2. Have you ever forced yourself to do something you were afraid to do?

What was it that you were afraid to do? Why did you do it, despite your fear? What was the result of doing the very thing you were afraid to do? Did you benefit from it? If so, how?

3. Have you ever become mysteriously ill just before you had to do something you were afraid to do?

This question deserves a post of its own, which will be forthcoming. For now, I will offer the following remarks. Illness is actually a common symptom of fear, particularly among those who tend to really get themselves worked up over things. The mind definitely seems to have an affect on the body. But how does such a reaction come to be? Is there anything we can do to combat such a thing, should we suffer from it? It seems to me that this symptom could result from 1) the habit of avoiding fears, or 2) an extreme state of fear. If in the past, for instance, a given person has done, literally whatever they can do to get out of doing what they are afraid to do (or if they are terrified to do something), then, if no other option is available to help them avoid/alleviate their fear, their body could resort to illness. Now, this isn't to say that a person just “decides” to “get sick” when they realize there is no other alternative to avoiding their fear, though that is definitely a possibility. Rather, a person could unconsciously develop the symptoms of an illness in order to avoid a given fear. So what can we do about it? I will discuss this in the near future.

4. When was the last time you allowed a fear to stop you from doing something?

Have you ever allowed a fear of something to stop you from doing it? What were you afraid of? What was the result of not doing the thing you were afraid to do? Did you benefit from it?

5. Have you ever experienced “analysis paralysis” as a result of fear?

As we saw in #3, people can come up with some creative ways to avoid their fears. Another such example is the over-analyzing or over-preparing for something in order to postpone the doing of it (normally because of a fear). Unfortunately, such things tend to postpone the doing of something indefinitely. A new salesperson, for instance, will likely be afraid to begin making sales calls, especially if they have never done such a thing before. As a result, rather than actually going out and beginning to make sales calls, they may instead opt to practice their “script” or “sales presentation.” Such behavior will, of course, be rationalized: “once I am more prepared, I will be ready to begin making sales calls.” But when it comes to finally begin, fear once again overcomes them, and they flee to the safety of their temporary-comfort-inducing-action-postponing behaviors. How can a person break such a cycle? They can act. Once they begin doing the thing they are afraid to do, the fear will begin to disappear. If they continue, over time, their comfort zone will expand and the fear will disappear entirely.

Life n' Leadership Website: Now Live!

I am pleased to announce that the Life n' Leadership Self-Study Program now has its own website: www.lifenleadership.com.

Though the program will remain available on Amazon.com, this website will serve as the primary "information source" and "purchase center" for the program.

Featured on the site are testimonies from past students, an extensive FAQ, and a brief history of the development of the program itself.

If you have a specific question about the program, use the contact us form. We will be expanding the FAQ as new questions are brought to our attention.